Confessions about my life

Song and a very good meaning

2011-12-11T18:53:00.000-08:00

I love the song Face Down by Red Jumpsuit Apparatis because of just this line "A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect every action in this world bears a consequence if you wait forever you will surely drown I see what's going down" This is so true and I wish at least on the subject of my parents that they would think before they act and say things. Because everything they say and do to me has a consequence. I am tired of being passive and this last month have started fighting back. This has caused consequences for me too lol but at least I am not taking the BS anymore. Well once again another thought on my life lol.
I'm Out

Just wanted to update you all on my book

2011-12-04T22:05:00.000-08:00

Chapter 1

Kristen (Kris for short) sat watching her horse Jasper run through the pasture on a beautiful Montana morning. She had just rescued him from a slaughter house not a month ago and it had taken only a few weeks for him to start bonding with her and listen to her commands. The autumn wind blew through his mane and tail as he ran like a wild horse on the plains. Kris herself had come from a difficult home and if it wasn’t for her foster mom, Annie, she might never have gotten to know Jasper and the better life she lived now. “It would be a perfect time for me to see if Jasper would let me ride him,” Kris thought “Jasper come.” She grabbed the halter and lead rope as Jasper came running towards her. He halted right before he ran into the gait and she let herself into the pasture. Kris decided it would be a good idea to tack Jasper up in a pen rather than in a barn so she had more space just in case that Jasper decided to fight the tacking process. She put the halter on him and led him down to the training arena and ground tied him. Jasper eyed the tack and let out a nervous snort. Kris picked up the bridal and Jasper went crazy he took off to the other side of the ring and stood there daring Kris to come closer to him with the bridal. Kris made a mental note to try and track down Jasper’s record of owners due to the possibility that he might have been abused and that is why he hated being tacked up.

Kris decided she should join up with Jasper maybe then he would decide to trust her with the tack. Kris walked up to Jasper and unhooked the lead rope and then walked to the middle of the pen. She sent him around the pen with a flick of his lead rope. After a few laps he gave her the sign she had been looking for he started opening and closing his mouth as if he were chewing. She turned her back and waited. Jasper halted and met her in the center and put his nose on her back. Kris walked off and as if he had a lead rope on him he followed her. She turned around and patted him on the nose and then clipped the lead on and led him to the fence. She ground tied him once again and picked up Jasper’s bridal. This time Jasper didn’t take off running at mere sight of the bridal but he still looked at it nervously. Kris approached him cautiously and raised the bridal to his mouth. “He took it!” she thought excitedly as Jasper let the bit slide between his teeth and over his tongue. Next, Kris tried the saddle and Jasper just stood there like an old pro. After putting on Jaspers tack she sent him around the pen one more time. After his lap she brought Jasper to the center and double checked his saddle to make sure it was tight and then mounted him. She pushed him into a walk and after another lap pushed him through the rest of the gaits. After she cantered for a little while she brought him to a halt. She dismounted and then walked Jasper through the gait. “I think I will take him on the trails for a while” Kris thought. As Jasper left the gait, he started prancing letting Kris know he was rearing to go. That is a good sign Kris thought I can’t wait to see how he does on the trails. As she mounted Jasper suddenly sidestepped violently. Kris’s slipped her foot out of the stirrup and grabbed the reins to secure Jasper from running off. Looking around for what might have spooked him, Kris noticed that her mom had just come out of the house with a white shopping bag. Jasper must not like bags as well Kris thought, sure enough when her mom started coming toward them Japer reared and started to dance violently. It took all of Kris’s strength to not let go of him as he reared and sidestepped to avoid the oncoming bag. Kris hurriedly half dragged Jasper through the open gate and let him go. Before he could bolt through the gate she closed and latched it. “What happened? Are you okay? Kris I have never ever seen him act like that before! Why do think that happened?” “Mom Mom one question at a time!!!!” Kris was in the midst of trying to catch her breath. “I am okay just out of breath. I believe that the bag set him off but I am not sure he just went crazy! Can I see that sack I want to try something!” “Here you go”. Kris took the bag and entered the pen Jasper was nervously eyeing the sack from the other side of the arena. As Kris tried to get closer Jasper took off around the ring. Kris turned around and hid the sack under her shirt. As she turned around Jasper looked at her confused he couldn’t understand why the bag had disappeared. Cautiously, he came toward her and sniffed her hand. As she pulled the bag back out of her shirt he went wild and set off to the other end of the pen. “Mom, we really need to track down a history on him I think he has been abused and I will need to do a lot with him before he is ready to go to a home if we decide not to keep him!!!” “I will see what I can do hun!! I will start at the slaughter house and work my way from there it might take a while but you can test him with certain things around the barn!!! Now that we know that he hates sacks we can start working with him on that and go from there!”

After Jasper had calmed down, Kris decided to try again taking him out on the trails. She got him out of the gate and ran him down the first trail towards the river. Once at the river Kris allowed Jasper to get a drink as she dismounted she didn’t want to try to take Jasper through the water on his back just in case he panicked and she needed to calm him down. After they got through the river, much to Kris’s surprise with no problems, she mounted again and then turned Jasper towards the ridge that overlooked her house. They ran up the hill and halted at the top of the ridge.

Kris loved this view, her house down in the valley and the beautiful snow capped mountains in the background. She decided to dismount Jasper and enjoy the scenery. Looking at her watch she noticed that she might be late to dinner and with a sigh she decided she would enjoy the scenery a little longer before heading home. Annie never minded her being a little late for dinner unlike her birthmother would have. Kris had come a long way since she was taken by the state because her mom and dad were inadequate to take care of her. It had been her mom that had beaten her before both parents were taken but had her dad been home Kris knew he would have helped in the abuse she received from her mom. Kris vividly remembered the days leading up to when her mom and dad were arrested and she was put into the foster care system. She had come home, always hoping that she had beaten her mom home. She would sneak a snack (her mom never allowed snacks it was 3 meals a day and nothing else) and then go to her room locking the door to do her homework as fast as she could. Once her mom came home it was a good idea to vacate the premises. Her mom had no problem, especially when she was drunk or had a bad day, finding something to hit and beat Kris about if one thing was out of order.

Three days before Kris was taken by the state, she had come home just like usual and done what homework she could do in such a short amount of time before her mom got home. She had decided to skip a snack because she had a big lunch. Finishing her calculus homework, she heard the door open, “Damn she is early,” Kris thought, “I hope she had a good day and that she isn’t drunk.” Man was she wrong!!! “KRIS GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!” Kris ran down the stairs hoping that she would receive a slap or something that wouldn’t leave a bruise that she would have to explain later.

As Kris rounded the corner her mom grabbed her by the sleeve of her shirt and pushed her into the corner of the wall. Shooting pain shot down her spine as she hit the wall. After her mom had pushed her into the wall she let go and Kris sunk to the floor not being able to move. She was hurt and wished she hadn’t come downstairs. Before she could fully recover enough to stand her mom threw a kick that landed straight into her ribs. After being beaten for what seemed like a long time, Kris wobbled back to her room and cried her eyes out. Her mom hadn’t been drunk this time she probably was taking her frustration from work out on her. How was she going to explain this at school the next day? She was bruised everywhere except her upper arms, face, and lower legs.

She failed miserably at finding an excuse to tell her teacher why she was in pain. She was sent to the nurse’s office and after the nurse took one look at the bruises and stepped out of the room. The next thing Kris knew time had stopped and the police were there, dragging her down to the station, and all the while asking her to confess to the abuse that her mom and dad had been giving her. When she couldn’t take the questioning anymore she broke down and told them what was happening at her house. It had all gone so quickly from one day being worried what was going to happen to the next being at a place she didn’t have to worry. The one question Kris couldn’t get out of her mind was, “How long will my happiness and being in this good home last?”

After an hour of enjoying the scenery and thinking about her past, Kris was ready to go home. She checked Jasper’s saddle and then mounted. She rode him back to the barn with no problems, which was a good thing because she really was in a daze and not paying attention to what Jasper was doing. When she got back she noticed Annie walking towards her. “How was your ride? Did he do okay?” “Yes, He did fine and the ride went smoothly. Did you call the slaughter house?” “Yes Kris, I did, they don’t have a record for him but said that they got him from an auction and gave me the auctioneer’s name so I will call him in the morning. It is time for dinner so cool him down and come on in and eat.” “Okay mom.” Kris wasn’t too hungry her appetite was nonexistent due to remembering her past which had made her sick to her stomach. Why had her mom and her dad treated her that way? What had she done to deserve a mother and father that abused her so much?

If people thought her mom was crazy, they would think her dad was a different kind of crazy. Thinking of her dad made Kris shutter just as much as thinking about her mom did. What he had done to her had made her afraid of older men probably for the rest of her life. When Kris was young and didn’t understand that what her dad was doing was wrong, her dad made excuses and told Kris that where he was touching and playing with her was what every dad did to their daughters to make their relationships stronger with each other. When Kris had entered into middle school she learned that what her dad had been doing had been wrong and she confronted him about it. That confrontation started the raping and more violent sexual abuse that Kris had experienced in the following years up until her dad was arrested. She had told friends what her mom had done to her but she had never confessed, until the confession to the police, what her dad had done to her. It was the fear of being judged as a whore that made her never confess to what her dad did to her.

Kris couldn’t express how happy she was to have Anne as a foster mom. It was so good to be out of the house she grew up in and away from her abusive mother and father that had hurt her for so long ago. In so many ways she understood what was going through Jasper’s mind. How could she trust any adult again? Why should she ever trust an adult again? It had taken her long enough to start trusting Anne and like Jasper the trust was there but only because of being in her home for several months. Now the only thing she was missing in her life was a boyfriend and a father that she could trust. She had longed to have a father to be apart of her life and often wondered why she was never lucky enough to have one that was good to her. After cooling Jasper down Kris went into eat and then after getting the chores and homework she had done for the night she settled in for a long nights rest.

Chapter 2

The following days for Kris were filled up with school and working with Jasper. Anne had called the auctioneer but had no response and Kris was wondering if he was intentionally not calling them back for fear of what he had to tell them. On Friday morning, as Kris was getting ready to leave for school, the phone rang and Kris ran to answer it. “Hello?” Kris listened and heard a man on the other end of the line. “Hi my name is Gabe Santiago. I am the Auctioneer at Colby Auction House and got a note that an Anne Montoya called to ask about a horse I sold a few months ago. Is she around? I would like to speak to her” “No sir she is at work but I am her daughter and I am the one working with Jasper… what information can you give me on him?” Kris’s heart skipped a beat while she waited for the man to answer. “What is his number we stamped in his mouth so I can pull up his records?” The auctioneer asked. Kris thumbed through her files and found Jaspers file. “Sir the number is 5P719H8” Kris told Gabe. “Ok my files indicate that this horse was a nationally recognized jumper named Sunny Takes it Home. He was sold to us because the owner was not able to afford to take care of him any longer and couldn’t control his spooky horse. When we got him he was very skinny and he had what looked like whip marks on his flanks. A Marty Nolan, one of our frequent buyers was the only bid on Sunny he runs the slaughter house.” “Do you have any information on the owner that gave him up? Specifically a number I can reach him at I really need to get more information.” Gabe hesitated, “I am technically not supposed to be giving the number out but if you will let me know what he says I will be willing to give you the number. I agree the abusing a horse is not a good thing…ok his number is 406-523-6798.” Kris looked at her watch “damn," she thought "I am late… Gabe I have to go I am late for school thanks again and I will keep you updated.” After hanging up with Gabe she ran to the bus that just pulled up and headed off to school.

After the school bell rang, Kris ran to the bus. It had been hard to get through the last day of school knowing that she was in reach of understanding why Jasper was the way he was. She also couldn’t wait to tell Anne what she had learned from the auctioneer. When she got home she ran inside. Anne was sitting in the kitchen talking on the phone so Kris ran upstairs to change into her barn cloths. When she came down Anne was off the phone so Kris sat down to talk to her. “The auctioneer called this morning before school,” Kris was so pumped that she couldn’t sit down any longer. “Oh he did what did he say?” Kris continued telling everything that the auctioneer had told her and even that he had given her a phone number to call. “Kris we will call tomorrow ok I want to be here when you do because I want to be able to talk to him as well.” “Ok Anne, will do, I am headed out to the barn to work with Jasper some more.” With that Kris headed out the door and headed to the barn.

The following day Kris and Anne sat down to call Jaspers owner. “Hello, Jesse speaking how may I help you?” “Hi my name is Anne Montoya and my daughter Kris Montoya is on the line as well we have some questions for you about your former horse Sunny Takes it Home.” “Um… how did you get my number? Was it that lousy auctioneer? He isn’t supposed to give out my number!” Kris was stunned at how mad the guy was. “Sir we just need to know the history he is so frightened at everything and is a liability waiting to happen if you could just tell us what he was like before you gave him for auction that would be a big help.” Jesse seemed to calm down a little, “Well he was a great jumper he won me a lot of ribbons but then he became too high stung and finicky and I couldn’t train him out of it.” Kris was confused, “Just like that? Did he have an accident or anything? What made him like that? It is very unusual for a horse to become that way out of the blue.” Jesse hesitated, “Yes ma’am we went to the nationals and at that competition he spooked before going over the last wall jump…he had never done that before… we crashed over the wall I broke my collar bone and he pulled most of the tendons in his front right leg. After he healed he was never the same horse and I just couldn’t ride him anymore.” Kris and Anne looked at each other, “What spooked him do you know?” Jesse started to get mad again he didn’t like to play 20 questions, “I have no damn idea ok I have to go I hope you can figure Sunny out because I don’t think he is worth anything but horse meat and glue! Have fun with him and don’t hold me responsible for him hurting you if he does!” And with that Jesse hung up without a goodbye. This left Anne and Kris stunned. Kris was so mad at Jesse that she wished she could go and hit him in the head and knock some since and understanding at how much Jasper was suffering. She turned to Anne with tears in her eyes. “Anne I don’t think he is telling us everything about him. It was either him or a ranch hand that put fear of different things in his mind… a horse doesn’t just start fearing, for example a white sack, for no reason what so ever.” Kris had hoped that he could give her a lead to what might have happened with Jasper so she could help the horse she had learned to love and care for.

After talking with Jaspers owner, Kris was in need of getting her mind off of the conversation. Kris headed to the barn and tacked Jasper up then headed out for a ride. Jasper didn’t fight her but seemed to pick up that she was upset and that she needed to calm down. He did everything she asked him to do and the entire ride was good. After an hour out on Jasper Kristen headed back to the ranch, untacked Jasper, and went inside to do some homework. Her ride had clamed her down and while doing her homework she thought more on what she could do to help Jasper. She wanted so bad to go up to his owner and give him a piece of her mind but decided that it wasn’t worth the risk she would be putting herself in. Why did he not care? The following day Kris called Jesse again just to see if she could get some more out of him. “Hello, Flying C Ranch, Ty speaking…how may I help you?” Kris was excited she was guessing she had gotten a ranch hand on the phone and decided to see if he knew anything. “Yes, Ty this is Kris Montoya speaking… I have a horse of Jesse’s that I bought at an auction and am trying to rehabilitate. I have some questions have you ever worked with Sunny Takes It Home?” “Yes…I have…but I am sorry I am not supposed to speak to you bosses orders” “Please Ty if I could just have a moment of your time even if it means going to get coffee or going for a ride I have a lot of questions that I need answered to help Sunny…Please!” “Ok, Ok I will meet you on the Ridge in about an hour would you mind bringing Sunny?” “Actually, I was thinking about that maybe it might make him a little bit happier. I will see you in an hour!” And with that she hung up.

Kris ran down the stairs and told Anne what had just happened. She was so excited that she couldn’t sit still for the hour and when it finally came time for her to tack up Jasper he was feeding off her excitement and was rearing to go. Anne came out of the house carrying turkey sandwiches one of her and the other for Ty and after sticking them in her saddle bag Kris was off to meet him. She got to the Ridge first and without any problems from Jasper. She dismounted and tied Jasper so that if he spooked at the sight of Ty he couldn’t get away. 30 minutes went by and Kris was just getting ready to give up on waiting when Ty rounded the corner on a beautiful paint. He dismounted and came towards her. “You must be Kris…nice to meet y…” Kris noticed he was looking at Jasper. “Oh my goodness…he is looking so good…can I see him?” “Yes Ty just go slowly I don’t want him to spook.” Kris watched Ty approach Jasper. She noticed the look in Jaspers eyes soften as Ty came near him. She was pleased that at least Ty was not the culprit behind Jaspers fears.

Chapter 3

Kris had Ty come over more that week. Jasper was a different horse around him and she was pleased with the progress he was making. His fears began to subside and seemed to liven up more than he had since he had come to the ranch. Ty and Kris were also becoming more of friends than Kris had ever thought possible. She was really glad he enjoyed hanging out with Jasper and Kris decided it might be time to ask Ty what might have happened to Jasper while at Flying C Ranch.

Kris told Ty to meet her on the ridge on Monday after school. When he arrived, they sat down for a picnic while they let the horses graze. When Kris got the nerve to ask Ty what had happened Ty interrupted her. “Kris will you…um…will you go out with me?” Kris was stunned and didn’t know how to answer. “You ok Kris?” Kris came back to reality, “Um…yes I am ok…and um…yes I will go out with you!” Kris blushed as she answered his question. After finishing their picnic and spending the rest of the time just talking to each other Kris and Ty went their separate ways. When she got back to the barn she realized that she had never asked Ty about what happened with Jasper. Damn she thought but that thought was quickly replaced by the excitement of what had happened on the ridge. After telling her mom what had happened she went and laid down for a nap after the long and exciting day she had.

That weekend when Ty and Kris went out on their first official date, Ty seemed distant. After the first hour of not talking or acting like he wanted to be there Kris decided to go home she was fed up with how Ty was acting. She turned to Ty “I am going home ok it sure seems like you don’t want to be here or at least be here with me!” Ty looked horrified and grabbed Kris’s arm and started to cry. “Kris it isn’t that I don’t want to be here with you… I do and I just can’t seem to show you that! I just have a lot on my mind that is keeping me from enjoying our time together but I don’t want that to seem that it is me not enjoying you being here!” Kris didn’t know how to answer him she was livid that he had too much on his mind to enjoy their date. What on earth could be so important that it would keep his mind off her?” After Ty took her home she cried herself softly to sleep so she wouldn’t wake Anne.

Kristen didn’t see Ty that much the rest of the week even though he kept calling her non stop. He didn’t seem to understand how much she had been hurt by the comment he had made the night before. She went out to the barn and started tacking Jasper up. Jasper somehow sensed she was upset and that made him upset. Her ride was as horrible as the first one she went on with him after she got him home from the slaughter house. After she struggled with Jasper some more she turned him home and rode home. When she had untacked Jasper she went to go to put him in his stall and noticed a piece of paper tapped to his stall door. Thinking it might be from Anne she put Jasper up and opened the letter and started reading the 3 page letter.

“Dear Kristen,

I know I made you mad the other night but it wasn’t because I wanted to. I never meant to hurt you! I asked you out for a reason and that was because I like you!! I had a lot on my mind but knowing many girls I am sure you thought that it was me thinking I had made a mistake!! I never did that!!! I just have a lot to tell you that I don’t know how to tell you… well here it goes… I an x convict. I was put in jail after I was caught stealing at a food market. I don’t know how to explain to someone who doesn’t know what hunger feels like but with my dad if I got a meal it was a good day. He and I just didn’t agree on everything and he didn’t always perform his fatherly duties so to speak. With no mother figure to keep him inline he got away with murder or in my case neglect.

When I stole it wasn’t for my pleasure it was food from the market. My dad knew I didn’t have the money to get food for us to eat when he told me to get us food for dinner. I went to the market knowing once again I wasn’t going to get to eat and ended up having hunger get the best of me. I stole a roasted chicken and some potatoes and as I was walking out I was caught. When the police questioned me I told them my dad was wanting food and I didn’t have the money to get the food. However, when they questioned my dad he said that he had given me money that day to get food and with an adults words vs. a teens words in a court system I ended up serving two months in jail and my job at Flying C Ranch was assigned as my community service.

I hope this knowledge doesn’t change how you feel about me but if it does I won’t hold it against you!!! You are one of few that know and I would like to keep it that way. Knowing I had just asked you out drugged up my past. That is why I was distant. I didn’t want to take the chance you found out from someone else and we fight about it later!!! Kris please call me when you find the strength to call!!! Not before. I know you will need some time to think on all that I have told you just now and that is fine with me. Also I owe you an explanation for Sunny.

Ps. Sorry I couldn’t find the strength to tell you in person!!”

Wow Kris thought she would have never thought Ty was an x convict. She didn’t know what to think. Yet it sure explained why he was so quiet. It took her an hour to sum up enough courage to call him but she was glad she did. Ty seemed so happy to hear her voice on the other line and after another hour talking to each other they had set up another date to talk about Jasper.

Chapter 4

Kris and Ty’s date had started out well with a dinner and a movie. After, Kris and Ty rode up to the hill overlooking her home. As they sat looking at the stars Ty started pouring out all that he had witnessed happen to Jasper. Kris was stunned to learn that Jaspers owner and the trainer had used the poling method to train Jasper. She couldn’t imagine the pain Jasper had gone through due to the repeated hitting of his legs to make him think he needed to jump higher. Kris knew poling was illegal and thought to herself, “of course he was a great jumper but only because of the abuse he endured to get to that point.” What Ty had told her had made Kris sick to her stomach yet she also wanted to know why Jasper was so afraid of white sacks and tack so she asked. The answer she got was what she had known all along. The sacks were used as another method to get Jasper to mind if he didn’t mind the whip. The sack was tied to the whip to make a sound to spook Jasper into minding whoever was controlling him. The bridal was also used to make him mind, the bit was tightened when he pulled against it to force him not to pull any longer. The forehead strap was also tightened during shows to make him hold his head up so he looked more graceful. Had a judge noticed any of these features, his owner would have been disqualified and charged with animal abuse but it was never discovered and Jaspers owner was able to walk away. Ty continued “The day that Jesse had his accident the trainer had pushed Sunny… I mean Jasper too hard over the practice course. He was to tired and sore to perform during the round and when Jesse tried to push him Jasper halted to fast for him and he flew over the jump. It wasn’t Sunny’s fault it was the damn trainers but Sunny had gone too far and the next thing I knew Jesse had put him up for sale at an auction. I lost my best friend for something the trainer could have prevented due to his unruly training methods.” Kris felt for Ty she knew that he had loved Jasper so much and she wished nothing had happened for Ty to lose the friend he had loved so much.

After Ty finished telling Kris what happened to Jasper, Kris rode home. When she got back to the ranch Kris cooled Jasper down and turned him loose in the paddock and went to go find Anne. Anne was busy tending to her garden but stopped when she heard Kris coming around the corner. “Anne I need to talk to you. It’s about Jasper” Kris said with tension in her voice. “What is it Kris? Is he ok?” Anne replied. “Ya he is fine but I found out why he is so scared all the time. Ty and I talked … do you have a minute?” “Yes Kris I have time let me finish this plant and I will meet you inside!” Kris went inside and thought how she was going to tell Anne all she had learned. She knew that if Anne decided to press charges on Jasper’s owner that Ty would get into trouble for even opening his mouth about the situation, but she knew that Anne had to know what had happened. As Anne entered the kitchen she had a concerned look on her face. After washing her hands and pouring both her and Kris a cup of tea she sat down to listen to what Kris had to say and Kris started telling Anne what Ty had told her as tears streamed down her face.

Chapter 5

When Ty got back to Flying C Ranch he noticed that the trainer and Jesse were in the ring practicing. As he got closer he noticed that they were poling Chloe, a beautiful Egyptian Arabian. Furious, however knowing he could do nothing, Ty went into the barn to get his chores done. When he got into the barn he noticed that Bast, a beautiful Quarter Horse who had just foaled a beautiful filly not a week ago, was sweating and seemed out of breath. He also noticed that her legs were bleeding and bruised. Ty let himself into the stall and Bast shied violently. Ty quieted her down and noticed that she had been ridden recently and had not been brushed or cooled off. Ty was so mad and was about to leave the stall when he noticed that on her neck there where whip marks. He was ready to blow up but knew that there was no way that he could do anything. He looked over the filly and noticed that she too was all sweaty and had not been brushed at least for a week. Ty went and grabbed a grooming kit and brushed out both Bast and her foal and then let himself out of their stall and went to start feeds. When Ty was done he decided to take out Monty, the paint that he had ridden when he first met Kris. He had to decide what to do about the new horses that Jesse was abusing. Ty couldn’t believe that Jesse was doing exactly what he had done to Jasper. He couldn’t understand why Jesse hadn’t learned the first time when Jesse and Jasper had gotten hurt. He knew he definitely had to talk to Kris about it and decided that he would call her in the morning.

The next morning Ty called Kris before he went to work. Ty made plans to meet Kris on the ridge and to talk about what he saw. When he got to the ranch he noticed that Bast was being poled by Jesse and that the foal was also in the ring being worked by the trainer (a little to hard for such a young foal). Ty did his morning chores fast due to the rage and adrenaline surging through his body. When he went to go check on Chloe, he noticed that she was bleeding on her sides from where the whip had landed too hard. He cleaned her wounds and decided to call Kris to see if she could meet him earlier. He wanted so bad for all of this to stop for this two horses and the foal, as well as all the other horses that weren’t being trained yet. When Kris got to the ridge Ty broke down in tears as he told Kris what he had seen the last couple of days. Kris and Ty decided it would be best to get the horses out of the situation they were in and decided to steal them that following night with the knowledge that if and when they got caught they would have a legitimate reason to have taken the horses.

Chapter 6

The following day Kris and Ty got together to plan how they were going to steal the horses that night. Ty told Kris that Jesse was going to a show so they shouldn’t have any problems with getting the horses away from the farm. Knowing that there were three, Kris and Ty decided that Ty would come to pick her up on Monty about 8 and they would ride back to the ranch. Then they would saddle the two adult horses and halter the foal. After, they would ride back to Kris’s barn and hide the horses there for the night to decide what to do the following day. With the plan set in motion Kris and Ty went out to dinner. They knew that it was going to be a long night especially if they got caught. Kris told Anne that she was going to be out late so she wouldn’t worry. Kris knew she had to think of a way to explain the three new additions to the barn but her mind was too occupied with the daunting task that lay ahead of her that night.

Ty met her on time and they rode back to Flying C Ranch. Kris had never been there and was amazed at how many acres there where. It made her ranch look small. Knowing they had to wait until the other ranch hands went home Kris helped Ty with the chores and went to look at Bast and her foal and Chloe. Chloe was fine and looked content but when she got to Bast’s stall, Kristen noticed that she was down. She quickly entered the pen and went over to Bast. She was sweating and thrashing around and her foal looked petrified. “TY BAST IS COLICING I NEED YOUR HELP” Kris yelled. She got up and went to the foal that shied at her reaching to her. Kris knew she had to do something. At that moment Ty showed up with a halter and put it on Bast. Kris went and grabbed a piece of twine from the trashcan and made a makeshift halter for the foal and then led her to an open stall and locked her in. After, she went back to help Ty get Bast on her feet. When Bast was up and walking with Kris, Ty went and made a call to Kris’s vet, he knew that if Bast needed a follow up it would have to be with the same vet so questions weren’t asked about her. The only good thing that came out of Bast’s colic episode was that it allowed time to fly by. The next thing Kris and Ty knew it was time to take the horses to Kris’s. After getting the ok from the vet that the colic was over, Kris and Ty sat down to talk over their plan. The colic had changed their plan and now they would have to lead both the foal and Bast. Ty decided that he would ride Monty and he would lead Bast and Kris would ride Chloe and lead the foal. After saddling up Monty and Chloe Kris and Ty rode and led the two horses back to Kris’s barn the first part was over and now to figure out what to tell Anne.

When Kris, Ty, and the horses got to the barn Anne was standing out front with an angry expression on her face. Kris knew that the vet must have contacted Anne after the visit to Flying C Ranch. Anne’s face softened however when she saw the state of the three horses. “What happened?” she said as Kris and Ty approached her. “These horses are being abused and so we rescued them. Anne I know it was wrong to take them but I couldn’t leave them with Jasper’s owner. Bast had a bought of colic and so we called our vet. Ty and I didn’t know what else to do” as she said this Kris had tears rolling down her checks. She wasn’t the type to cry but she was so mad at Jasper’s owner and the fumes had built up so much the past few days she couldn’t help it. “Ty is this true? Kristen if it is I am ok with you saving the horses! The vet called me that’s how I found out.” Ty looked at Anne and nodded that it was true and Anne nodded back understandingly. After Kris and Ty went and put Bast, the foal, and Chloe up. Then Ty and Kris went into the house to make a sandwich.

Just a Thought

2011-12-04T21:50:00.000-08:00

So tonight I was talking to a friend of mine about all I have been through these past years with the fighiting and such with the parents. I finally realized (yes it has taken this long) that no matter what I have been through I have the strength to get right back up. My revelation comes from years of hatred and being an outcast in my family.

I have also relized that I have the experience to help some of the adolecents I may get the chance of working with since I am applying for a job as a mental health tech at an adolescent treatment facility. I have been verbally abused by my parents, I have dealt with cutting and drinking and sucidal ideations, and I have dealt with depression. I however have, thank goodness, had the strength to get through all I have been through with just a few scars and bad memories. Why it has taken me this long to understand that I am strong is beyond me but it makes me happy to think that I am able to be this strong.

I also have to thank all my friends that have had my back over the years. If it wasn't for you I don't think I would be here today. When I went through the period of having the sucidal thoughts it was my friends I turned too to talk. I don't know what would have happened if I didn't have these friends I do today. It scares me to think that a few years ago I might have choosen to end my life due to the stress I had and the feeling of loneliness. My friends have always meant the world to me (more like brothers and sisters than friends) and God has put you in my life to show me I am loved in this world more than it feels like. Those who read my blog you are the best friends I have had in my life (you know who you are). One friend in particular has had my back since we were in elementary school together. I am so glad she is back in town so we can get together which also helps me relieve my stress. Thanks again for all you guys do!!!!!!

Moving can't come fast enough

2011-11-26T12:16:00.000-08:00

Once again life is unbearably stressful. Things just can't come fast enough. I have found a house and closing on monday however the work we have to do to make the house ready to live in is just insane. I am hoping that I can move in a month but that doesn't look like its going to happen. I need to get out of here I am tired of being treated like I don't have a life that I don't need a break every once in a while.

UPSETS ONCE AGAIN THIS TIME ON THE JOB HUNT

2011-08-31T12:49:00.000-07:00

So I applied for an awsome job as a behavioral health clerk at the hospital here in Farmington a few weeks ago. I have been waiting around hoping that it would all work out and that I could finally work somewhere I actually wanted to work. Well today I found out they filled it with someone else. This is such a letdown and I hope that they enjoy the person they hired because they sure hurt my feelings. I am a Psychology major wanting to work in my field but what I come across in the job discriptions is work experience prefered certification required and when you do the certification you have to get job expereience as well so how am I supposed to get experience when they won't even hire me in the first place???? It is so damn frustrating and I am getting upset as I write this lol!!! Well I have no more to say lol I guess I just have to wait for things to work out hopefully that will be soon!!!! I am tired of the dissapointments of my life and it is getting hard to want to find a job because of the stress that is involved!!!

Prayers are needed for my Grandma

2011-08-29T09:32:00.001-07:00

A few days ago my Grandma mentioned she had a lump on her breast to my mom. She has had it for a few months now but it is getting bigger and so she went to the doctor. The doctor has ordered a Biopsy and a Ultrasound to test the lump which he thinks is most likely cancerous

We need the prayers
Thanks

???

2011-08-16T20:33:00.000-07:00

Lord,
Why do you test me like this? Why is my relationship with my parents such a fight? I have done nothing but serve you and listen to your commands. I know in highschool I fell from your love for a while but it was a hard time then. I have come so far with your guidence and love. I have graduated from college and learned that I don't have to take the stress my parents cause me. Yet, it seems like you still test me with my parents and how they treat me. why is that lord am I not worthy to have a better life that I have definently earned and deserve? Why don't you answer my prayers?

UPDATES

2011-08-12T13:46:00.001-07:00

Well my family has totally pushed me away. I am done with the drama, stress, and hatred that they show towards me. I am most likely moving back to Abilene in September to live with a friend until I can find my own place! I have decided that I am done with the bull and that it is better for me to find my own place!!!! The only reason I would stay is if I find a job!!!

I definently need the prayers because of how bad it has gotten at my house!!!

Thanks so much
Larissa

Yet Another Dissapointment

2011-08-09T13:31:00.000-07:00

I am looking into buying a beautiful horse from a rescue group. She is 6 years old 14.2 hands and part draft horse. She was abandoned by her previous owners and is now ready to be adopted. I asked the rents if I could, telling them that I would pay for everything. The answer is NO!!!!! What parents say NO when the are told the child will pay for everything??? Especially when that said child has a job and has the money to do it???? I am going to push them and see if I can get them to say YES but I am tired of them always saying no!!!!!! This horse needs a home I need something to consume my time so I don't have to be at home and something that will help me destress when shit like this happens!!!

I haven't asked for a horse since we had to put my first one down!!!! I had her for a year and she went lame (or for those who know about horses.... She Foundered)!!!!! That tore me apart when that happened and I haven't been ready to take on owning another one since then!!!! Now that I am ready I am getting the wall put up saying no!!!!!

pain

2011-08-07T18:00:00.000-07:00

i love how my family knows just the right strings to pull to make my life a living hell!!!! i am tired of my family and how we treat eachother!!!!!!

Alrighty Rae here is what I have please let me know what u think thanks sis

2011-05-05T14:31:00.001-07:00

Chapter 1

Kristen (Kris for short) sat watching her horse Jasper run through the pasture on a beautiful Montana morning. She had just rescued him from a slaughter house not a month ago and it had taken only a few weeks for him to start bonding with her and listen to her commands. The autumn wind blew through his mane and tail as he ran like a wild horse on the plains. Kris herself had come from a difficult home and if it wasn’t for her foster mom, Annie, she might never have gotten to know Jasper and the better life she lived now. “It would be a perfect time for me to see if Jasper would let me ride him,” Kris thought “Jasper come.” She grabbed the halter and lead rope as Jasper came running towards her. He halted right before he ran into the gait and she let herself into the pasture. She put the halter on him and led him down to the barn to grab his tack. After, Kris decided it would be a good idea to tack Jasper up in a pen rather than in a barn so she had more space just in case that Jasper decided to fight the tacking process. She took him down to the training arena and ground tied him. Jasper eyed the tack and let out a nervous snort. Kris picked up the bridal and Jasper went crazy he took off to the other side of the ring and stood there daring Kris to come closer to him with the bridal. Kris made a mental note to try and track down Jasper’s record of owners due to the possibility that he might have been abused and that is why he hated being tacked up.

Chapter 2

After the school bell rang, Kris ran to the bus. It had been hard to get through the day knowing that she was in reach of understanding why Jasper was the way he was. She also couldn’t wait to tell Anne what she had learned from the auctioneer. When she got home she ran inside. Anne was sitting in the kitchen talking on the phone so Kris ran upstairs to change into her barn cloths. When she came down Anne was off the phone so Kris sat down to talk to her. “The auctioneer called this morning before school,” Kris was so pumped that she couldn’t sit down any longer. “Oh he did what did he say?” Kris continued telling everything that the auctioneer had told her and even that he had given her a phone number to call. “Kris we will call tomorrow ok I want to be here when you do because I want to be able to talk to him as well.” “Ok Anne, will do, I am headed out to the barn to work with Jasper some more.” With that Kris headed out the door and headed to the barn.

Chapter 3

“Dear Kristen,

When I stole it wasn’t for my pleasure it was food from the market. My dad knew I didn’t have the money to get food for us to eat when he told me to get us food so we could eat that night. I went to the market knowing once again I wasn’t going to get to eat and ended up having hunger get the best of me. I stole a roasted chicken and some potatoes and as I was walking out I was caught. When the police questioned me I told them my dad was wanting food and I didn’t have the money to get the food. However, when they questioned my dad he said that he had given me money that day to get food and with an adults words vs. a teens words in a court system I ended up serving two months in jail and my job at Flying C Ranch was assigned as my community service.

Ty”

Dear X lyrics (fav song at the moment explains my life well)

2011-01-28T10:15:00.000-08:00

DEAR X BY DISCIPLE

Dear pain, oh, it's been a long time
Remember when you were holding me tight
I would stay awake with you all night
Dear shame, I was safe in your arms
You were there when it all fell apart
I would get so lost in your beautiful lies
I let you go
But you're still chasing

Go ahead
You're never gonna take me
You can bend
But you're never gonna break me
I was yours
I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Dear hate, I know you're not far
You would wait at the door of my heart
I was amazed at the passion in your cries
Dear anger, you made me so high
You were faithful to show up on time
Such a flame that was burning in your eyes
I let you go
But you're still chasing

Go ahead
You're never gonna take me
You can bend
But you're never gonna break me
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead
Put a target on my forehead
You can fire
But you've got no bullet
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

You tempted me to look back
But everything that we had together was a lie

Go ahead
You're never gonna take me
You can bend
But you're never gonna break me
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead
Put a target on my forehead
You can fire
But you've got no bullet
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead
Put a target on my forehead
You can fire
But you've got no bullet
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

upset o well

2011-01-28T08:27:00.000-08:00

I had a hard day yesterday and I am upset my parents took things the way they did if you want to know what happened email or call me but I have to go back to class

pray for me and the fam

OK JOY HERE IS MY BOOK HAVE FUN READING AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK

2010-09-15T09:30:00.000-07:00

Chapter 1

Kristen (Kris for short) sat watching her horse Jasper run through the pasture on a beautiful Montana morning. She had just rescued him from a slaughter house auction not a month ago and it had taken only a few weeks for him to start bonding with her and listen to her commands. The autumn wind blew through his mane and tail as he ran like a wild horse on the plains. Kris herself had come from a difficult home and if it wasn’t for her foster mom, Annie, she might never have gotten to know Jasper and the better life she lived now. “It would be a perfect time for me to see if Jasper would let me ride him,” Kris thought “Jasper come.” She grabbed the halter and lead rope as Jasper came running towards her. He halted right before he ran into the gait and she let herself into the pasture. She put the halter on him and led him down to the barn to grab his tack. After, Kris decided it would be a good idea to tack Jasper up in a pen rather than in a barn so she had more space just in case that Jasper decided to fight the tacking process. She took him down to the training arena and ground tied him. Jasper eyed the tack and let out a nervous snort. Kris picked up the bridal and Jasper went crazy he took off to the other side of the ring and stood there daring Kris to come closer to him with the bridal. Kris made a mental note to try and track down Jasper’s record of owners due to the possibility that he might have been abused and that is why he hated being tacked up.

After Jasper had calmed down, Kris decided to try again taking him out on the trails. She got him out of the gate and ran him down the first trail towards the river. Once at the river Kris allowed Jasper to get a drink as she dismounted she didn’t want to try to take Jasper through the water on his back just in case he panicked and she needed to calm him down. After they got through the river, much to Kris’s surprise with no problems, she mounted again and then turned Jasper towards the hill that overlooked her house. They ran up the hill and halted at the top.

As Kris rounded the corner her mom grabbed her by the sleeve of her shirt and pushed her into the wall. Shooting pain shot down her spine as she hit the corner of the wall. After her mom had pushed her into the wall she let go and Kris sunk to the floor not being able to move. She was hurt and wished she hadn’t come downstairs. Before she could fully recover enough to stand her mom threw a kick that landed straight into her ribs. After being beaten for what seemed like a long time, Kris wobbled back to her room and cried her eyes out. Her mom hadn’t been drunk this time she probably was taking her frustration from work out on her. How was she going to explain this at school the next day? She was bruised everywhere except her upper arms, face, and lower legs.

After an hour of enjoying the scenery and thinking about her past, Kris was ready to go home. She checked Jasper’s saddle and then mounted. She rode him back to the barn with no problems, which was a good thing because she really was in a daze and not paying attention to what Jasper was doing. When she got back she noticed her Annie walking towards her. “How was your ride? Did he do okay?” “Yes, He did fine and the ride went smoothly. Did you call the slaughter house?” “Yes Kris, I did, they don’t have a record for him but said that they got him from an auction and gave me the auctioneer’s name so I will call him in the morning. It is time for dinner so cool him down and come on in and eat.” “Okay mom.” Kris wasn’t too hungry her appetite was nonexistent due to remembering her past which had made her sick to her stomach. Why had her mom and her dad treated her that way? What had she done to deserve a mother and father that abused her so much?

Chapter 2

The following days for Kris were filled up with school and working with Jasper. Anne had called the auctioneer but had no response and Kris was wondering if he was intentionally not calling them back for fear of what he had to tell them. On Friday morning, as Kris was getting ready to leave for school, the phone rang and Kris ran to answer it. “Hello?” Kris listened and heard a man on the other end of the line. “Hi my name is Gabe Santiago. I am the Auctioneer at Colby Auction House and got a call that an Anne Montoya called to ask about a horse I sold a few months ago. Is she around? I would like to speak to her” “No sir she is at work but I am her daughter and I am the one working with Jasper… what information can you give me on him?” Kris’s heart skipped a beat while she waited for the man to answer. “What is his number we stamped in his mouth so I can pull up his records?” The auctioneer asked. Kris thumbed through her files and found Jaspers file. “Sir the number is 5P719H8” Kris told Gabe. “Ok my files indicate that this horse was a nationally recognized jumper named Sunny Takes it Home. He was sold to us because the owner was not able to afford to take care of him any longer and couldn’t control his spooky horse. When we got him he was very skinny and he had what looked like whip marks on his flanks. A Marty Nolan, one of our frequent buyers was the only bid on Sunny.” “Do you have any information on the owner that gave him up? Specifically a number I can reach him at I really need to get more information.” Gabe hesitated, “I am technically not supposed to be giving the number out but if you will let me know what he says I will be willing to give you the number. I agree the abusing a horse is not a good thing…ok his number is 406-523-6798.” Kris looked at her watch “damn," she thought "I am late… Gabe I have to go I am late for school thanks again and I will keep you updated…Thanks so much.” After hanging up with Gabe she ran to the bus that just pulled up and headed off to school.

After the school bell rang, Kris ran to the bus. It had been hard to get through the day knowing that she was in reach of understanding why Jasper was the way he was. She also couldn’t wait to tell Anne what she had learned from the auctioneer. When she got home she ran inside. Anne was sitting in the kitchen talking on the phone so Kris ran upstairs to change into her barn cloths. When she came down Anne was off the phone so Kris sat down to talk to her. “The auctioneer called this morning before school,” Kris was so pumped that she couldn’t sit down. “Oh he did what did he say?” Kris continued telling everything that the auctioneer had told her and even that he had given her a phone number to call. “Kris we will call tomorrow ok I want to be here when you do because I want to be able to talk to him as well.” “Ok Anne, will do, I am headed out to the barn to work with Jasper some more.” With that Kris headed out the door and headed to the barn.

The following day Kris and Anne sat down to call Jaspers owner. “Hello, Jesse speaking how may I help you?” “Hi my name is Anne Montoya and my daughter Kris Montoya is on the line as well we have some questions for you about your former horse Sunny Takes it Home.” “Um… how did you get my number? Was it that lousy auctioneer? He isn’t supposed to give out my number!” Kris was stunned at how mad the guy was. “Sir we just need to know the history he is so frightened at everything and is a liability waiting to happen if you could just tell us what he was like before you gave him for auction that would be a big help.” Jesse seemed to calm down a little, “Well he was a great jumper he won me a lot of ribbons but then he became too high stung and finicky and I couldn’t train him out of it.” Kris was confused, “Just like that? Did he have an accident or anything? What made him like that? It is very unusual for a horse to become that way out of the blue.” Jesse hesitated, “Yes ma’am we went to the nationals and at that competition he spooked before going over the last wall jump…he had never done that before… we crashed over the wall I broke my collar bone and he pulled most of the tendons in his front right leg. He was never the same after that. After he healed he was never the same horse and I just couldn’t ride him anymore.” Kris and Anne looked at each other, “What spooked him do you know?” Jesse started to get mad again he didn’t like to play 20 questions, “I have no damn idea ok I have to go I hope you can figure Sunny out because I don’t think he is worth anything but horse meat and glue! Have fun with him and don’t hold me responsible for him hurting you if he does!” And with that Jesse hung up without a goodbye. This left Anne and Kris stunned. Anne and Kris hung up the phone. Kris was so mad at Jesse that she wished she could go and hit him in the head at how much Jasper was upset. She turned to Anne with tears in her eyes. “Anne I don’t think he is telling us everything about him. It was either him or a ranch hand that put fear of different things in his mind… a horse doesn’t just start fearing, for example a white sack, for no reason what so ever.” Kris wished Jesse had given them a lead to what might have happened with Jasper so she could help the horse she had learned to love and care for.

... IDK ...

2010-09-14T08:40:00.000-07:00

O school how I wish you were easier lol. Sorry I am tired lol. Anyway I have my first test on Thursday this week and then two more tests next week. Why do teachers do that??? It is like they plan to hit you hard 3 times out of the semester all in the same month lol. Don't they understand that us college students have a life other than school?? O well I guess that is what we get for going to school!! :)

Tired....

2010-08-17T16:37:00.000-07:00

I am getting tired of my family's attitude!!! Why do they have to act like everything is my fault all the time?? It makes me not want to ever pick up the phone or come home because I don't want to listen to the bull shit all the time (excuse the French)!! I am so ready to get back and Saturday can't come fast enough!!

Lord give me the strength

2010-08-12T19:56:00.000-07:00

Lord give me the strength to make it another week here in Farmington NM. I am getting tired of living here with my parents who don't seem to love me and after my scary thoughts I had today I need your strength more then ever now. I am giving up my reins to you guide me to do your will and not have the thoughts the devil gave me today. My life is not so bad that I am better off with you and I know that so let only your love and thoughts you wish me to have fill my mind and cast the devil out of my life. It is so hard for me to feel like I am loved in this world and just when I find that I am enjoying my life things like what happened tonight pull me right back to where I have been living my life for years. So please lord give me the strength!!!

Love your daughter
Larissa

Thoughts...

2010-08-02T18:43:00.000-07:00

Got in another, of many this summer, fight with the rents. Yet, as I sit here thinking of the fights and writing I can't help having a thought about what would my life have been like if I lived with my birth parents. I know some measly fights shouldn't make me think about this but it is hard not too. I am tired of the fighting and wish my life was different even if it meant a life of not being where I am now. I know little about my birth parents.... ok well I know none about my dad but I know a little about my mom....but what I do know makes me understand it would have been a hard life. My mom was 16 when she had me and signed a closed adoption form (meaning she couldn't visit me (though I don't know if she ever regretted this I sure do)). I want to meet her but I am afraid to ruin her life she lives now. I know this is a fear that may not be rational on my part but take a step in my shoes. She hasn't seen me since I was a baby why would she want to now. Yet, this doesn't matter my parents (at least from what I have seen when I bring up my birth parents) don't seem like they like the idea of me contacting her. If I did contact her I would do it not only to meet her but find out more medical history and history about the family. I don't know why I let myself let my parents fear make me not want to contact her I just don't want to make them mad or disappointed I guess. I guess every adopted child thinks this way but I know for sure I could use a change. I have been laughing at the proposition from my parents to move back to Farmington NM when I am out of school to work for a while. I personally don't think it a good idea to move back here when I have so many problems as it is with them I guess an opinion from someone else would be good on what I should do but I understand it would be a good idea. Get some money before I move out on my own but I don't know if I could deal with my parents on a day to day basis. O well I have a year and a summer to think about that but mean while some prayers would be nice. Thanks to all the comments from my friends they make me feel better!!!! well I am signing off

update....

2010-07-28T14:54:00.000-07:00

Well this summer has been one with many let downs. My cousin who was 35 died of cancer in May. Hoping for a miracle but didn't get it. I did summer school and passed my class whoop whoop. Then I went to my parents place... WOW.... I am so bored and so pissed at them I don't know why I came here when I had the chance to go to North Carolina to see a good friend!!!! Man do I regret it so much!!! O Well I guess that is why I am writing because I need to blow off some steam. Also just a couple of days ago a friend that I had in elementary school died of spinal meningitis after giving birth to a baby boy on Friday. So pray for her family. She is my age 22. Well so far that is all I know got to jet!!!

Why????

2009-11-03T18:17:00.000-08:00

Why do people talk behind other peoples backs??? I think it is childish and needs to stop!!!! Especially when you are in college you are an adult now and need to know that talking behind another persons back is childish and it usually hurts the other person if they find out. I recently found out that my school newspaper staff has been talking about me when I don't show up for meetings!! I am busy just because I slip up twice and couldn't get things in doesn't give a person the right to talk behind my back it PISSES ME OFF!!!!!!! I am done getting treated like a rag doll that can be talked about and picked on just to release stress for someone else!!!!! If this doesn't stop my next step is to quit I can't take it anymore and just want a chance to feel like this School newspaper is something that I can relieve some of my stresses in by taking pictures and not having to worry about drama!!!! Just leave me alone!!! My friends that I thought would always have my back don't seem to be there anymore and what ever I have done to deserve the being deserted I am sorry!!! I have had a bad year wrought with depression and dealing with problems that I have had to deal with since middle school!!!! I know a couple of people that read this might take this in offence but this isn't directed to you at all!!! So please don't take offense to this you know who you are and I don't care if this offends you you have hurt me for the last time!!!!! So now I am going to leave you with a quote that I live by when it comes to my friends. A FRIEND WILL BAIL YOU OUT OF JAIL BUT A BEST FRIEND WILL BE SITTING WITH YOU SAYING DAMN WE DID BAD!!!!! So those who have hurt me I wouldn't mind an apology and if you have any questions don't hesitate to call but if you cant apologize than fine with me just know that I know who has been talking about me and I am willing to forgive and forget I don't like it but I am also not one to hold a grudge and this does not give you the opportunity to go and talk about the one that told me!!!! So please if you have any questions call Rae I need to talk to you as soon as possible because I need to Vent!!!! I love my friends like family so please don't break a friendship this way!!! It is the fastest way to break a friendship with me and I don't need this to happen!!!!!

well I am alot better

2009-11-02T09:14:00.001-08:00

I am officially done with counseling I have been told that I don't need it anymore and I have reached all my goals that I had set for counseling. I am happy about that but I have more going on in my life than just that now. school is getting harder and I can't take it anymore. my stress level is way way to high. I don't know what to do and am still feeling depressed but I am not sure if I should quit or continue. If I quit I won't be coming back to Hardin-Simmons if I quit I will not get my degree for a while. but if I continue how am I going to deal with my stress? I have not been doing good with my stress I have found outlets that are not good to relieve my stress. WHAT DO I DO??????? :'(

:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

2009-09-15T09:01:00.000-07:00

So I had one of the worst days I have had for a while yesterday. I almost cried during class because we were talking about families. I applied everything to my parents that we were talking about and that includes the subject that in some families there is an outcast (me)!!! I just can't win and every time I try to be happy I fall flat on my a**. Why does it have to be that way and why would God allow it to be that way? I know I shouldn't question him but I can't take it anymore and I am so worried that I have come to the end of the rope and it will break!! Why????????? I can't do this anymore!!! Oh also my teacher said that therapy doesn't always work that sometimes the person doing therapy (a child was our example) the person who has the ties broken can't always mend these ties and usually is still considered an outcast. I know for a fact that my parents won't try at therapy themselves so why am I going?? These are questions that I came up with during class yesterday and made me want to run out of my class screaming and crying but these are also questions I will have to try to answer and work out. MORE STRESS YAY J/K

awwww

2009-09-11T04:09:00.000-07:00

My friends just had their baby awww 6 pounds 9 ounces awwww can't wait till there are pictures go jake you are a daddy now man!!!!!

all better

2009-09-02T06:57:00.000-07:00

So I went to my first counseling session yesterday!!!! Very good I don't know why I was so scared lol I have another next tuesday yay I am so glad and can't wait for more strategies for me to use when I am stressed yay!!!!

Scared

2009-08-28T08:34:00.000-07:00

I just signed up to do counseling at ACU starting on Tuesday Sept 1st!!!! Man I am scared not only to try my hardest to talk to someone I don't know but to finally get help scares me a whole lot. I haven't forced myself to get help before and now I wish I had!! I have needed help since middle school but didn't get it now that I am going to I am scared and I don't know why!!!! I should be happy that I finally can get some advice, not that my friends can't give me advice THANKS SO MUCH GUYS LOVE YOU LOTS, but actually get some professional advice and maybe get some techniques of how to lower my stress level in good ways not bad!!!!!! I want to Thank ALL MY FRIENDS for always believing in me and making me feel like I could get through whatever came I just need a little more help these days that's all and I will never stop coming to y'all for help!!! KEEP ME IN YOUR PRAYERS thanks guys!!!

????? j/k I am happy lol ??????

2009-08-19T20:10:00.000-07:00

2 more days baby and so along parents until november heck ya

so back in the states

2009-08-01T10:39:00.001-07:00

so I am back in the states I didn't stay in Vienna even though it would have probably been a better idea!!! I had my purse stolen yesterday, I have been fighting with the parents too much, and I am sicker than a dog at the moment damn colds!!!! I had better luck when I was in Vienna then I did here but I only have two more weeks and then back to school so I guess I can live till then lol!!! I had a wonderful time in Vienna and want to go back someday when I can afford it!!! well I am out got some things to do!!!! hope those who read this have a better week then I have had this past week and hope you have a good day!!!

so...

2009-07-13T01:02:00.001-07:00

so I haven't written in a while!!!! I am currently in Vienna Austria having the time of my life (I don't want to come back) lol!!!! I will write more later I have class!

change of heart

2009-06-03T16:13:00.000-07:00

So last summer I got the chance to work at a summer camp in Dallas Texas. It was a summer camp for children and adults with disabilities. The summer was broken up like this: May 24- July 27 ages 19 and up (we had one that was 60) all of whom were either developmentally delayed (DD) or physically challenged (PC) (alternated weekly between DD and PC), July 5-10 Dual sensory impaired (blind and deaf), and then from July 12- August 1 ages 6-29 (PC and DD alternated weekly. I only worked the first part working with the adults and teens. I had so much fun and learned so much. One thing I learned and had to start to understand is that all PC and DD people are just like us. They can do almost anything the only thing that makes them different is they have a disability. I had to learn not to judge and not to help if they told me they didn't want any help. The reason I am writing this now and I didn't earlier is because I am watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition. It is about a family where the mom adopted 7 girls that have disabilities from no legs to developmentally delayed children. I have seen these disabled people ride horses, swim, do a ropes course everything we can do when they are quadriplegic (don't have any use of any of their limbs) it is amazing what they can do and I have learned not to judge anyone anymore by the way they look or think. I believe that if everyone learned this discrimination against the disabled would disappear. Take this into heart the next time you see a disabled or developmentally delayed person and don't judge them by their disability judge them by their character. Thanks for reading and if you want share this story with your friends.

Mad!!!!

2009-05-24T21:17:00.000-07:00

So my parents are in town. uggh wish they weren't. so the other night I caught my mom reading my text messages from some of my friends. some of them are just between me and my friends and no one else should see them. this really pisses me off. I am F***** 21 years old why do my parents do this???? I don't understand!!! what do I do????

Yay

2009-05-15T07:16:00.000-07:00

so today is my birthday. I am finally 21 years old yay!! plan to party tomorrow yay!!! can't wait

WHY???????????

2009-05-01T22:06:00.000-07:00

why do people continually put others down when they know that person is under so much stress that they are about at their breaking point without that put down??? I wish I could change what has gone down in the last 24 hours but I can't just gotta try to make it through another week uggh don't know if I can with how I feel at the moment but I can sure try. I found out that my cousin is sicker than I thought. I have fought up and down with the rents. I have finals next week and a old x aquantince that is contacting me for the first time in two years wanting to amend what happened between us which is unforgivable so ya I am stressed to the max want to throw things and don't know if I can get through another week of school help please help!!!!!!!!!!

uggh finals just shoot me now

2009-04-27T10:59:00.001-07:00

I hate finals. I am taking mine next week and my stress level is so high right now just because I know I have finals next week. granit it is not the only thing that is stressing me now but ya I am not wanting to take them next week.

uggh

2009-04-20T11:28:00.000-07:00

uggh I need a break from school. I know I had a three day weekend last weekend but need a longer break. I am tired of tests and lectures. Oh well I guess summer is coming pretty soon lol!!!

A commitment I am taking on

2009-03-29T14:13:00.000-07:00

I decided to make the commitment today at church to take on sponsoring a child from Honduras. Her name is Yarissa Lily she is 12 years old and lives with her mom in a poor community in the eastern region of Honduras. She an only child. Please pray that I can continue to commit my time and a payment of $30 a month to this wonderful child of god. Thanks for your prayers!!!

Fun times

2009-03-27T18:33:00.000-07:00

lol so my friend Kendyl and I went to help feed a friends horse tonight. she is in a wheelchair and I usually take her places for fun. so we loaded up her wheelchair and went to the 6 white horse ranch down the street. we got out and I went and feed the horse rode him a little while and put him up for the night but kendyl decided that it was to cold and went to wait in the car. after I was done I went and got in the car and we drove back home lol. we got to the dorm and I went to unload her chair... IT WASN'T THERE... lol. I forgot it at the ranch what a bad thing to do but we couldn't stop laughing and so we turned around and went back to get it!!! lol what a day what a day

Psychology

2009-03-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

I love my Abnormal Psychology class!!! I have learned so much!!! However when we are going over the material I can't help taking what we are learning and analyzing if it explains people in my life like friends or family!!! lol I know how stupid is that!!!! lol Today our class was talking about Major Depression... we talked about all the attributes that cause this type of depression and couldn't help noticing that I fit alot of those attributes for depression. The attributes that apply to me are: I take my anger and turn it inward and blame myself, I idealize a goal which means i set a goal I can't achieve, and finally I have been conditioned behaviorally by my parents due to low reward giving and higher punishment giving. I have also had a depressive episode earlier which sets me up for another episode now or later on in life because I didn't receive treatment for my depression!!!! This isn't good the statistics for this is there is a 50% chance after the first episode I will relapse into a depressive state, after the second episode there is a 70% chance I will relapse into another episode, and after the third episode there is a 90% chance to relapse into another episode ugggh that isn't good!!! I am doing everything possible to keep this from happening because the last time I was in this depressive episode I was cutting almost every single day which in itself isn't good!!!! I am doing group therapy and a 12 step program. But how do I not go into a second depressive episode when my parents set me up for failure by not providing enough rewards to overcome the punishment factor they give me? Or how do I not internalize my anger towards them??? I don't know I guess I can only give it a true try before I seek help for something I have dealt with my whole life but I don't want to set myself up for another depressive episode!!! Like my teacher said a little help goes a long way and the best way to cut 1 episode in half is to seek help!!!! I guess I can take his advise.

Another Thought

So above I talked about depression and the effects of factors in your life that set you up for depression!!! I also said that seeking help after your 1st episode is the best thing for you to not have a relapse back into depression later. But what if you don't want to be labeled as going to a psychologist or help group??? I am this way my fear is being labeled and I don't like to be labeled!!!! I am more passive and rely on my friends to get me through things and I feel if I was labeled as getting psychological help my friends wouldn't look at me the same!!! I know I know everything you say to a psychologist is confidential and would not be repeated but how do you tell your friends where you are going when you go to a session??? I don't want to lie to them but I need this so much ugghh decisions decisions!!!!

Finally the end to what I have written on myspace lol

2009-03-25T08:41:00.000-07:00

Poems I wrote
Gone…

You don't know how much you hurt me,
And I don't think you care.
You don't know how much I cry,
Because you aren't ever there.
What happened to this family?
We were so close before
And now we're so far gone
And I don't know how to get us back there!!!

Alone…

I'm so alone
Spending time on my own
It's like I'm from a world unknown.
I feel so isolated
I cry when I go to bed
Almost wishing I were dead.
I don't fit in not here or there
And people walk by as if they don't care
With that black hearted glare.
This time will I ever make it through?
Of always feeling blue
And find someone that will be true.
Words of a Sorrow Girl…

I have been hurt
I have lost my only love I have for them.
My mistake was
That I trusted them
They should not have punished me
They should have killed me instead.
I have no life!!
No One Knows…

Treachery and lies
Heartbreak and silent cries
Torment behind these blue eyes
Way too many early good-byes.
Loss of memory
Loss of faith
Only things that keep me safe.
From myself
From the rest of human kind
My own person
Of my own mind.
Living day by day
In my own private hell
Dying slowly on the inside
And no one can tell.

More from Myspace

2009-03-25T08:38:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life

Now I will tell you what I have done for you. 1,000's of tears I have cried due to the screaming, deceiving, and pure hate coming from you. I bleed every time we fight yet still you don't hear me. I don't want your help this time maybe I will try saving myself. Maybe I will wake up for once without being tormented and defeated daily by you. Always blurring and bending the truth to make you happy if only for a moment. I don't know what's real and what's not, always confusing the thought in my head so much so that I can't trust myself anymore. Like a shattered mirror all the little pieces of our fights cut me like a knife. Leaving scars and memories that are to painful to want to remember. Tell me before you were my age did you ever feel like breaking down or out of place in your own family? Why must I go on fearing to come home? I feel hurt and lost like I have been left in the dark to scared to face you. Always feeling like all you want to do is to kick me to the ground and push me around and feeling like I am always on the edge of once again breaking down yet no one is there to save me. I have always put on a happy face when around friends and other family but not five years ago the shit that has gone on behind closed doors caused me to get depressed. If not for my faith and determination to leave this place I don't know what would have happened. This is what I feel about our fights welcome to my life and hope you understand what it is like for once.

Fun
Gravity- a natural force that pulls us one way, yet heaven is pulling us at the same time to be good, pure, and holy.

The Bible says "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you," God has always known us even before the creation of time. And despite our sin and knowing all the things we were (and are still) going to do against him, he still loved us enough to give his life away for us. He has and always will love us.
....
Knowing god is not always easy. Probably the most biggest hurdles is the difference between "knowing" Him and simply "believing" in Him. In James 2:17 it says that faith without action or good deeds is of no value. As we desire to know god better, one question we have to ask ourselves is do we just believe in god or are we seeking to know him more"
....
As believers in the power of prayer, we believe that Christians can ask God to send Christian friends who we can be accountable to and lead us into spiritual growth. Just as David and Jonathan made a Covenant in 1 Samuel 8:13, we have the same opportunities today with the friends God sends.
....
In our modern world, we are trapped in our routines with a myriad of amusements to distract us from the larger questions of existence. Through God I believe I am afforded the life I was created for – a life built around the companionship of creator and creation, God and man. Just as drowning cannot be equated to swimming mere existence is not the same as abundant life. We have been offered a new way to live – a new way to be human.

Some of what I have written on Myspace

2009-03-25T08:37:00.000-07:00

Bible Verses
Psalms 55 1-3, 16-17Listen to my prayer, O God,do not ignore my plea hear me and answer me.My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught at the voice of the enemy,at the stares of the wicked;for they bring down suffering upon me and revile me in their anger. (1-3)But I call to God, and the Lord saves me.Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress,and he hears my voice. (16-17)

Great Song Verses
Devils used to be gods, angels that fell from the top. The devil grows inside the hearts of the selfish and wicked white, brown, yellow, and black colored is not restricted you have a self destructive destiny when your inflicted and you'll be one of gods children that fell form the top there's no diversity because we're burning in the melting pot so when the devil wants to dance with you, you better say never because a dance with the devil might last you forever.Immortal Technique: Dance with the Devil A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect every action in this world will bear a consequence if you wade around forever you will surely drown I see what's going down. Red Jumpsuit Apparatus: Face Down

Great Quote
Walls they are everywhere they define us, limit us, we can try to go around them, break through them, or give up and let them close us in but every once in awhile if we're lucky someone opens the door and then it is up to us to have the courage to walk through.

Better days will come my way (I hope) :)

2009-03-25T06:31:00.000-07:00

So my last blog wasn't such a good one my stress level was so hi and I couldn't take it anymore!!! Today is a little better I have a test but my stress level isn't as high as it was last night!!!! Which is good :) I am extremely tired though since when I do get that stressed I can't sleep worth a dang!!! LOL can't win Insomnia sucks LOL!!!! I owe my destressing to a Friend that has always been there for me since fourth grade LOVE YA SISTA (since I know you read this lol)!!!! I have always been able to destress with her help!!!! I still feel the same way though I am at a cross road do I leave my past or do I continue and get my degree here at Hardin Simmons??? I don't know I am going to try this for awhile and see if blogging can help me destress as well!!! I tell you when you take a stress test and fail it there is a problem!!! I took a stress test about 3 weeks ago in my Abnormal Psychology class... the average for a woman is 27.9 I scored a 37.9 10 point difference uggh that is bad I know!!!! Oh well maybe this will help until next time I am out!!!

Betrayal by someone I should love

2009-03-24T21:29:00.000-07:00

Feeling betrayed once again!!!! Why do we always have to fight about the little stuff like school!!!! It is my decision and I hate that you have to be a b**** about what I decide to do with my life I repeat IT IS MY F******* DECISION!!!!!! Your words cut me like a knife!!! I am tired of the fighting and the stress that comes from it I have enough stress with school and shouldn't have to deal with any stress from you!!!!! Dealing with you since I was in middle school… when will you understand enough is enough!!!!! I have tried and tried to tell you how I feel and you don’t listen!!! Why do I not tell you what is going on in my life? Because I know what will happen half of the time… another fight uggh!!!! Why? Why me? I am tired and stressed to my max so give me one week to feel better!!!! Could you do that please I have lost all faith in you and respect!!!! I have been told to forgive you but how can I when I don’t have any faith you will change??? I have two more years of school and wish I could spend two years on your good side!! Is that even possible??? Do I even try to change our relationship to a happy one or do I go on fighting and repeatedly getting verbally abused by you or do I say see you and go my own way??? Tell me what I should do!!!! It is up to you to help me decide because I know the consequences either way!!! If I stay I get hurt by your words and have added stress I don’t need!! If I leave you pull my funds for college and I don’t get to finish my degree at the college I love!!! So what should I do fight with you or leave it is up to you to decide what can happen and I am done!!!! I am done!!!!!