Tired....

I am getting tired of my family's attitude!!! Why do they have to act like everything is my fault all the time?? It makes me not want to ever pick up the phone or come home because I don't want to listen to the bull shit all the time (excuse the French)!! I am so ready to get back and Saturday can't come fast enough!!

Lord give me the strength

Lord give me the strength to make it another week here in Farmington NM. I am getting tired of living here with my parents who don't seem to love me and after my scary thoughts I had today I need your strength more then ever now. I am giving up my reins to you guide me to do your will and not have the thoughts the devil gave me today. My life is not so bad that I am better off with you and I know that so let only your love and thoughts you wish me to have fill my mind and cast the devil out of my life. It is so hard for me to feel like I am loved in this world and just when I find that I am enjoying my life things like what happened tonight pull me right back to where I have been living my life for years. So please lord give me the strength!!!

Love your daughter
Larissa

Thoughts...

Got in another, of many this summer, fight with the rents. Yet, as I sit here thinking of the fights and writing I can't help having a thought about what would my life have been like if I lived with my birth parents. I know some measly fights shouldn't make me think about this but it is hard not too. I am tired of the fighting and wish my life was different even if it meant a life of not being where I am now. I know little about my birth parents.... ok well I know none about my dad but I know a little about my mom....but what I do know makes me understand it would have been a hard life. My mom was 16 when she had me and signed a closed adoption form (meaning she couldn't visit me (though I don't know if she ever regretted this I sure do)). I want to meet her but I am afraid to ruin her life she lives now. I know this is a fear that may not be rational on my part but take a step in my shoes. She hasn't seen me since I was a baby why would she want to now. Yet, this doesn't matter my parents (at least from what I have seen when I bring up my birth parents) don't seem like they like the idea of me contacting her. If I did contact her I would do it not only to meet her but find out more medical history and history about the family. I don't know why I let myself let my parents fear make me not want to contact her I just don't want to make them mad or disappointed I guess. I guess every adopted child thinks this way but I know for sure I could use a change. I have been laughing at the proposition from my parents to move back to Farmington NM when I am out of school to work for a while. I personally don't think it a good idea to move back here when I have so many problems as it is with them I guess an opinion from someone else would be good on what I should do but I understand it would be a good idea. Get some money before I move out on my own but I don't know if I could deal with my parents on a day to day basis. O well I have a year and a summer to think about that but mean while some prayers would be nice. Thanks to all the comments from my friends they make me feel better!!!! well I am signing off

update....

Well this summer has been one with many let downs. My cousin who was 35 died of cancer in May. Hoping for a miracle but didn't get it. I did summer school and passed my class whoop whoop. Then I went to my parents place... WOW.... I am so bored and so pissed at them I don't know why I came here when I had the chance to go to North Carolina to see a good friend!!!! Man do I regret it so much!!! O Well I guess that is why I am writing because I need to blow off some steam. Also just a couple of days ago a friend that I had in elementary school died of spinal meningitis after giving birth to a baby boy on Friday. So pray for her family. She is my age 22. Well so far that is all I know got to jet!!!

Why????

Why do people talk behind other peoples backs??? I think it is childish and needs to stop!!!! Especially when you are in college you are an adult now and need to know that talking behind another persons back is childish and it usually hurts the other person if they find out. I recently found out that my school newspaper staff has been talking about me when I don't show up for meetings!! I am busy just because I slip up twice and couldn't get things in doesn't give a person the right to talk behind my back it PISSES ME OFF!!!!!!! I am done getting treated like a rag doll that can be talked about and picked on just to release stress for someone else!!!!! If this doesn't stop my next step is to quit I can't take it anymore and just want a chance to feel like this School newspaper is something that I can relieve some of my stresses in by taking pictures and not having to worry about drama!!!! Just leave me alone!!! My friends that I thought would always have my back don't seem to be there anymore and what ever I have done to deserve the being deserted I am sorry!!! I have had a bad year wrought with depression and dealing with problems that I have had to deal with since middle school!!!! I know a couple of people that read this might take this in offence but this isn't directed to you at all!!! So please don't take offense to this you know who you are and I don't care if this offends you you have hurt me for the last time!!!!! So now I am going to leave you with a quote that I live by when it comes to my friends. A FRIEND WILL BAIL YOU OUT OF JAIL BUT A BEST FRIEND WILL BE SITTING WITH YOU SAYING DAMN WE DID BAD!!!!! So those who have hurt me I wouldn't mind an apology and if you have any questions don't hesitate to call but if you cant apologize than fine with me just know that I know who has been talking about me and I am willing to forgive and forget I don't like it but I am also not one to hold a grudge and this does not give you the opportunity to go and talk about the one that told me!!!! So please if you have any questions call Rae I need to talk to you as soon as possible because I need to Vent!!!! I love my friends like family so please don't break a friendship this way!!! It is the fastest way to break a friendship with me and I don't need this to happen!!!!!

well I am alot better

I am officially done with counseling I have been told that I don't need it anymore and I have reached all my goals that I had set for counseling. I am happy about that but I have more going on in my life than just that now. school is getting harder and I can't take it anymore. my stress level is way way to high. I don't know what to do and am still feeling depressed but I am not sure if I should quit or continue. If I quit I won't be coming back to Hardin-Simmons if I quit I will not get my degree for a while. but if I continue how am I going to deal with my stress? I have not been doing good with my stress I have found outlets that are not good to relieve my stress. WHAT DO I DO??????? :'(

:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

So I had one of the worst days I have had for a while yesterday. I almost cried during class because we were talking about families. I applied everything to my parents that we were talking about and that includes the subject that in some families there is an outcast (me)!!! I just can't win and every time I try to be happy I fall flat on my a**. Why does it have to be that way and why would God allow it to be that way? I know I shouldn't question him but I can't take it anymore and I am so worried that I have come to the end of the rope and it will break!! Why????????? I can't do this anymore!!! Oh also my teacher said that therapy doesn't always work that sometimes the person doing therapy (a child was our example) the person who has the ties broken can't always mend these ties and usually is still considered an outcast. I know for a fact that my parents won't try at therapy themselves so why am I going?? These are questions that I came up with during class yesterday and made me want to run out of my class screaming and crying but these are also questions I will have to try to answer and work out. MORE STRESS YAY J/K