Tired....

I am getting tired of my family's attitude!!! Why do they have to act like everything is my fault all the time?? It makes me not want to ever pick up the phone or come home because I don't want to listen to the bull shit all the time (excuse the French)!! I am so ready to get back and Saturday can't come fast enough!!

Lord give me the strength

Lord give me the strength to make it another week here in Farmington NM. I am getting tired of living here with my parents who don't seem to love me and after my scary thoughts I had today I need your strength more then ever now. I am giving up my reins to you guide me to do your will and not have the thoughts the devil gave me today. My life is not so bad that I am better off with you and I know that so let only your love and thoughts you wish me to have fill my mind and cast the devil out of my life. It is so hard for me to feel like I am loved in this world and just when I find that I am enjoying my life things like what happened tonight pull me right back to where I have been living my life for years. So please lord give me the strength!!!

Love your daughter
Larissa

Thoughts...

Got in another, of many this summer, fight with the rents. Yet, as I sit here thinking of the fights and writing I can't help having a thought about what would my life have been like if I lived with my birth parents. I know some measly fights shouldn't make me think about this but it is hard not too. I am tired of the fighting and wish my life was different even if it meant a life of not being where I am now. I know little about my birth parents.... ok well I know none about my dad but I know a little about my mom....but what I do know makes me understand it would have been a hard life. My mom was 16 when she had me and signed a closed adoption form (meaning she couldn't visit me (though I don't know if she ever regretted this I sure do)). I want to meet her but I am afraid to ruin her life she lives now. I know this is a fear that may not be rational on my part but take a step in my shoes. She hasn't seen me since I was a baby why would she want to now. Yet, this doesn't matter my parents (at least from what I have seen when I bring up my birth parents) don't seem like they like the idea of me contacting her. If I did contact her I would do it not only to meet her but find out more medical history and history about the family. I don't know why I let myself let my parents fear make me not want to contact her I just don't want to make them mad or disappointed I guess. I guess every adopted child thinks this way but I know for sure I could use a change. I have been laughing at the proposition from my parents to move back to Farmington NM when I am out of school to work for a while. I personally don't think it a good idea to move back here when I have so many problems as it is with them I guess an opinion from someone else would be good on what I should do but I understand it would be a good idea. Get some money before I move out on my own but I don't know if I could deal with my parents on a day to day basis. O well I have a year and a summer to think about that but mean while some prayers would be nice. Thanks to all the comments from my friends they make me feel better!!!! well I am signing off