Why????

Why do people talk behind other peoples backs??? I think it is childish and needs to stop!!!! Especially when you are in college you are an adult now and need to know that talking behind another persons back is childish and it usually hurts the other person if they find out. I recently found out that my school newspaper staff has been talking about me when I don't show up for meetings!! I am busy just because I slip up twice and couldn't get things in doesn't give a person the right to talk behind my back it PISSES ME OFF!!!!!!! I am done getting treated like a rag doll that can be talked about and picked on just to release stress for someone else!!!!! If this doesn't stop my next step is to quit I can't take it anymore and just want a chance to feel like this School newspaper is something that I can relieve some of my stresses in by taking pictures and not having to worry about drama!!!! Just leave me alone!!! My friends that I thought would always have my back don't seem to be there anymore and what ever I have done to deserve the being deserted I am sorry!!! I have had a bad year wrought with depression and dealing with problems that I have had to deal with since middle school!!!! I know a couple of people that read this might take this in offence but this isn't directed to you at all!!! So please don't take offense to this you know who you are and I don't care if this offends you you have hurt me for the last time!!!!! So now I am going to leave you with a quote that I live by when it comes to my friends. A FRIEND WILL BAIL YOU OUT OF JAIL BUT A BEST FRIEND WILL BE SITTING WITH YOU SAYING DAMN WE DID BAD!!!!! So those who have hurt me I wouldn't mind an apology and if you have any questions don't hesitate to call but if you cant apologize than fine with me just know that I know who has been talking about me and I am willing to forgive and forget I don't like it but I am also not one to hold a grudge and this does not give you the opportunity to go and talk about the one that told me!!!! So please if you have any questions call Rae I need to talk to you as soon as possible because I need to Vent!!!! I love my friends like family so please don't break a friendship this way!!! It is the fastest way to break a friendship with me and I don't need this to happen!!!!!

well I am alot better

I am officially done with counseling I have been told that I don't need it anymore and I have reached all my goals that I had set for counseling. I am happy about that but I have more going on in my life than just that now. school is getting harder and I can't take it anymore. my stress level is way way to high. I don't know what to do and am still feeling depressed but I am not sure if I should quit or continue. If I quit I won't be coming back to Hardin-Simmons if I quit I will not get my degree for a while. but if I continue how am I going to deal with my stress? I have not been doing good with my stress I have found outlets that are not good to relieve my stress. WHAT DO I DO??????? :'(

:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

So I had one of the worst days I have had for a while yesterday. I almost cried during class because we were talking about families. I applied everything to my parents that we were talking about and that includes the subject that in some families there is an outcast (me)!!! I just can't win and every time I try to be happy I fall flat on my a**. Why does it have to be that way and why would God allow it to be that way? I know I shouldn't question him but I can't take it anymore and I am so worried that I have come to the end of the rope and it will break!! Why????????? I can't do this anymore!!! Oh also my teacher said that therapy doesn't always work that sometimes the person doing therapy (a child was our example) the person who has the ties broken can't always mend these ties and usually is still considered an outcast. I know for a fact that my parents won't try at therapy themselves so why am I going?? These are questions that I came up with during class yesterday and made me want to run out of my class screaming and crying but these are also questions I will have to try to answer and work out. MORE STRESS YAY J/K

awwww

My friends just had their baby awww 6 pounds 9 ounces awwww can't wait till there are pictures go jake you are a daddy now man!!!!!

all better

So I went to my first counseling session yesterday!!!! Very good I don't know why I was so scared lol I have another next tuesday yay I am so glad and can't wait for more strategies for me to use when I am stressed yay!!!!

Scared

I just signed up to do counseling at ACU starting on Tuesday Sept 1st!!!! Man I am scared not only to try my hardest to talk to someone I don't know but to finally get help scares me a whole lot. I haven't forced myself to get help before and now I wish I had!! I have needed help since middle school but didn't get it now that I am going to I am scared and I don't know why!!!! I should be happy that I finally can get some advice, not that my friends can't give me advice THANKS SO MUCH GUYS LOVE YOU LOTS, but actually get some professional advice and maybe get some techniques of how to lower my stress level in good ways not bad!!!!!! I want to Thank ALL MY FRIENDS for always believing in me and making me feel like I could get through whatever came I just need a little more help these days that's all and I will never stop coming to y'all for help!!! KEEP ME IN YOUR PRAYERS thanks guys!!!

????? j/k I am happy lol ??????

2 more days baby and so along parents until november heck ya

so back in the states

so I am back in the states I didn't stay in Vienna even though it would have probably been a better idea!!! I had my purse stolen yesterday, I have been fighting with the parents too much, and I am sicker than a dog at the moment damn colds!!!! I had better luck when I was in Vienna then I did here but I only have two more weeks and then back to school so I guess I can live till then lol!!! I had a wonderful time in Vienna and want to go back someday when I can afford it!!! well I am out got some things to do!!!! hope those who read this have a better week then I have had this past week and hope you have a good day!!!

so...

so I haven't written in a while!!!! I am currently in Vienna Austria having the time of my life (I don't want to come back) lol!!!! I will write more later I have class!

change of heart

So last summer I got the chance to work at a summer camp in Dallas Texas. It was a summer camp for children and adults with disabilities. The summer was broken up like this: May 24- July 27 ages 19 and up (we had one that was 60) all of whom were either developmentally delayed (DD) or physically challenged (PC) (alternated weekly between DD and PC), July 5-10 Dual sensory impaired (blind and deaf), and then from July 12- August 1 ages 6-29 (PC and DD alternated weekly. I only worked the first part working with the adults and teens. I had so much fun and learned so much. One thing I learned and had to start to understand is that all PC and DD people are just like us. They can do almost anything the only thing that makes them different is they have a disability. I had to learn not to judge and not to help if they told me they didn't want any help. The reason I am writing this now and I didn't earlier is because I am watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition. It is about a family where the mom adopted 7 girls that have disabilities from no legs to developmentally delayed children. I have seen these disabled people ride horses, swim, do a ropes course everything we can do when they are quadriplegic (don't have any use of any of their limbs) it is amazing what they can do and I have learned not to judge anyone anymore by the way they look or think. I believe that if everyone learned this discrimination against the disabled would disappear. Take this into heart the next time you see a disabled or developmentally delayed person and don't judge them by their disability judge them by their character. Thanks for reading and if you want share this story with your friends.

Mad!!!!

So my parents are in town. uggh wish they weren't. so the other night I caught my mom reading my text messages from some of my friends. some of them are just between me and my friends and no one else should see them. this really pisses me off. I am F***** 21 years old why do my parents do this???? I don't understand!!! what do I do????

Yay

so today is my birthday. I am finally 21 years old yay!! plan to party tomorrow yay!!! can't wait

WHY???????????

why do people continually put others down when they know that person is under so much stress that they are about at their breaking point without that put down??? I wish I could change what has gone down in the last 24 hours but I can't just gotta try to make it through another week uggh don't know if I can with how I feel at the moment but I can sure try. I found out that my cousin is sicker than I thought. I have fought up and down with the rents. I have finals next week and a old x aquantince that is contacting me for the first time in two years wanting to amend what happened between us which is unforgivable so ya I am stressed to the max want to throw things and don't know if I can get through another week of school help please help!!!!!!!!!!

uggh finals just shoot me now

I hate finals. I am taking mine next week and my stress level is so high right now just because I know I have finals next week. granit it is not the only thing that is stressing me now but ya I am not wanting to take them next week.

uggh

uggh I need a break from school. I know I had a three day weekend last weekend but need a longer break. I am tired of tests and lectures. Oh well I guess summer is coming pretty soon lol!!!

A commitment I am taking on

I decided to make the commitment today at church to take on sponsoring a child from Honduras. Her name is Yarissa Lily she is 12 years old and lives with her mom in a poor community in the eastern region of Honduras. She an only child. Please pray that I can continue to commit my time and a payment of $30 a month to this wonderful child of god. Thanks for your prayers!!!

Fun times

lol so my friend Kendyl and I went to help feed a friends horse tonight. she is in a wheelchair and I usually take her places for fun. so we loaded up her wheelchair and went to the 6 white horse ranch down the street. we got out and I went and feed the horse rode him a little while and put him up for the night but kendyl decided that it was to cold and went to wait in the car. after I was done I went and got in the car and we drove back home lol. we got to the dorm and I went to unload her chair... IT WASN'T THERE... lol. I forgot it at the ranch what a bad thing to do but we couldn't stop laughing and so we turned around and went back to get it!!! lol what a day what a day

Psychology

I love my Abnormal Psychology class!!! I have learned so much!!! However when we are going over the material I can't help taking what we are learning and analyzing if it explains people in my life like friends or family!!! lol I know how stupid is that!!!! lol Today our class was talking about Major Depression... we talked about all the attributes that cause this type of depression and couldn't help noticing that I fit alot of those attributes for depression. The attributes that apply to me are: I take my anger and turn it inward and blame myself, I idealize a goal which means i set a goal I can't achieve, and finally I have been conditioned behaviorally by my parents due to low reward giving and higher punishment giving. I have also had a depressive episode earlier which sets me up for another episode now or later on in life because I didn't receive treatment for my depression!!!! This isn't good the statistics for this is there is a 50% chance after the first episode I will relapse into a depressive state, after the second episode there is a 70% chance I will relapse into another episode, and after the third episode there is a 90% chance to relapse into another episode ugggh that isn't good!!! I am doing everything possible to keep this from happening because the last time I was in this depressive episode I was cutting almost every single day which in itself isn't good!!!! I am doing group therapy and a 12 step program. But how do I not go into a second depressive episode when my parents set me up for failure by not providing enough rewards to overcome the punishment factor they give me? Or how do I not internalize my anger towards them??? I don't know I guess I can only give it a true try before I seek help for something I have dealt with my whole life but I don't want to set myself up for another depressive episode!!! Like my teacher said a little help goes a long way and the best way to cut 1 episode in half is to seek help!!!! I guess I can take his advise.

Another Thought

So above I talked about depression and the effects of factors in your life that set you up for depression!!! I also said that seeking help after your 1st episode is the best thing for you to not have a relapse back into depression later. But what if you don't want to be labeled as going to a psychologist or help group??? I am this way my fear is being labeled and I don't like to be labeled!!!! I am more passive and rely on my friends to get me through things and I feel if I was labeled as getting psychological help my friends wouldn't look at me the same!!! I know I know everything you say to a psychologist is confidential and would not be repeated but how do you tell your friends where you are going when you go to a session??? I don't want to lie to them but I need this so much ugghh decisions decisions!!!!

Finally the end to what I have written on myspace lol

Poems I wrote
Gone…

You don't know how much you hurt me,
And I don't think you care.
You don't know how much I cry,
Because you aren't ever there.
What happened to this family?
We were so close before
And now we're so far gone
And I don't know how to get us back there!!!

Alone…

I'm so alone
Spending time on my own
It's like I'm from a world unknown.
I feel so isolated
I cry when I go to bed
Almost wishing I were dead.
I don't fit in not here or there
And people walk by as if they don't care
With that black hearted glare.
This time will I ever make it through?
Of always feeling blue
And find someone that will be true.
Words of a Sorrow Girl…

I have been hurt
I have lost my only love I have for them.
My mistake was
That I trusted them
They should not have punished me
They should have killed me instead.
I have no life!!
No One Knows…

Treachery and lies
Heartbreak and silent cries
Torment behind these blue eyes
Way too many early good-byes.
Loss of memory
Loss of faith
Only things that keep me safe.
From myself
From the rest of human kind
My own person
Of my own mind.
Living day by day
In my own private hell
Dying slowly on the inside
And no one can tell.

More from Myspace

Welcome to my life

Now I will tell you what I have done for you. 1,000's of tears I have cried due to the screaming, deceiving, and pure hate coming from you. I bleed every time we fight yet still you don't hear me. I don't want your help this time maybe I will try saving myself. Maybe I will wake up for once without being tormented and defeated daily by you. Always blurring and bending the truth to make you happy if only for a moment. I don't know what's real and what's not, always confusing the thought in my head so much so that I can't trust myself anymore. Like a shattered mirror all the little pieces of our fights cut me like a knife. Leaving scars and memories that are to painful to want to remember. Tell me before you were my age did you ever feel like breaking down or out of place in your own family? Why must I go on fearing to come home? I feel hurt and lost like I have been left in the dark to scared to face you. Always feeling like all you want to do is to kick me to the ground and push me around and feeling like I am always on the edge of once again breaking down yet no one is there to save me. I have always put on a happy face when around friends and other family but not five years ago the shit that has gone on behind closed doors caused me to get depressed. If not for my faith and determination to leave this place I don't know what would have happened. This is what I feel about our fights welcome to my life and hope you understand what it is like for once.

Fun
Gravity- a natural force that pulls us one way, yet heaven is pulling us at the same time to be good, pure, and holy.

The Bible says "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you," God has always known us even before the creation of time. And despite our sin and knowing all the things we were (and are still) going to do against him, he still loved us enough to give his life away for us. He has and always will love us.
....
Knowing god is not always easy. Probably the most biggest hurdles is the difference between "knowing" Him and simply "believing" in Him. In James 2:17 it says that faith without action or good deeds is of no value. As we desire to know god better, one question we have to ask ourselves is do we just believe in god or are we seeking to know him more"
....
As believers in the power of prayer, we believe that Christians can ask God to send Christian friends who we can be accountable to and lead us into spiritual growth. Just as David and Jonathan made a Covenant in 1 Samuel 8:13, we have the same opportunities today with the friends God sends.
....
In our modern world, we are trapped in our routines with a myriad of amusements to distract us from the larger questions of existence. Through God I believe I am afforded the life I was created for – a life built around the companionship of creator and creation, God and man. Just as drowning cannot be equated to swimming mere existence is not the same as abundant life. We have been offered a new way to live – a new way to be human.

Some of what I have written on Myspace

Bible Verses
Psalms 55 1-3, 16-17Listen to my prayer, O God,do not ignore my plea hear me and answer me.My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught at the voice of the enemy,at the stares of the wicked;for they bring down suffering upon me and revile me in their anger. (1-3)But I call to God, and the Lord saves me.Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress,and he hears my voice. (16-17)

Great Song Verses
Devils used to be gods, angels that fell from the top. The devil grows inside the hearts of the selfish and wicked white, brown, yellow, and black colored is not restricted you have a self destructive destiny when your inflicted and you'll be one of gods children that fell form the top there's no diversity because we're burning in the melting pot so when the devil wants to dance with you, you better say never because a dance with the devil might last you forever.Immortal Technique: Dance with the Devil A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect every action in this world will bear a consequence if you wade around forever you will surely drown I see what's going down. Red Jumpsuit Apparatus: Face Down

Great Quote
Walls they are everywhere they define us, limit us, we can try to go around them, break through them, or give up and let them close us in but every once in awhile if we're lucky someone opens the door and then it is up to us to have the courage to walk through.

Better days will come my way (I hope) :)

So my last blog wasn't such a good one my stress level was so hi and I couldn't take it anymore!!! Today is a little better I have a test but my stress level isn't as high as it was last night!!!! Which is good :) I am extremely tired though since when I do get that stressed I can't sleep worth a dang!!! LOL can't win Insomnia sucks LOL!!!! I owe my destressing to a Friend that has always been there for me since fourth grade LOVE YA SISTA (since I know you read this lol)!!!! I have always been able to destress with her help!!!! I still feel the same way though I am at a cross road do I leave my past or do I continue and get my degree here at Hardin Simmons??? I don't know I am going to try this for awhile and see if blogging can help me destress as well!!! I tell you when you take a stress test and fail it there is a problem!!! I took a stress test about 3 weeks ago in my Abnormal Psychology class... the average for a woman is 27.9 I scored a 37.9 10 point difference uggh that is bad I know!!!! Oh well maybe this will help until next time I am out!!!

Betrayal by someone I should love

Feeling betrayed once again!!!! Why do we always have to fight about the little stuff like school!!!! It is my decision and I hate that you have to be a b**** about what I decide to do with my life I repeat IT IS MY F******* DECISION!!!!!! Your words cut me like a knife!!! I am tired of the fighting and the stress that comes from it I have enough stress with school and shouldn't have to deal with any stress from you!!!!! Dealing with you since I was in middle school… when will you understand enough is enough!!!!! I have tried and tried to tell you how I feel and you don’t listen!!! Why do I not tell you what is going on in my life? Because I know what will happen half of the time… another fight uggh!!!! Why? Why me? I am tired and stressed to my max so give me one week to feel better!!!! Could you do that please I have lost all faith in you and respect!!!! I have been told to forgive you but how can I when I don’t have any faith you will change??? I have two more years of school and wish I could spend two years on your good side!! Is that even possible??? Do I even try to change our relationship to a happy one or do I go on fighting and repeatedly getting verbally abused by you or do I say see you and go my own way??? Tell me what I should do!!!! It is up to you to help me decide because I know the consequences either way!!! If I stay I get hurt by your words and have added stress I don’t need!! If I leave you pull my funds for college and I don’t get to finish my degree at the college I love!!! So what should I do fight with you or leave it is up to you to decide what can happen and I am done!!!! I am done!!!!!