Thoughts...

Got in another, of many this summer, fight with the rents. Yet, as I sit here thinking of the fights and writing I can't help having a thought about what would my life have been like if I lived with my birth parents. I know some measly fights shouldn't make me think about this but it is hard not too. I am tired of the fighting and wish my life was different even if it meant a life of not being where I am now. I know little about my birth parents.... ok well I know none about my dad but I know a little about my mom....but what I do know makes me understand it would have been a hard life. My mom was 16 when she had me and signed a closed adoption form (meaning she couldn't visit me (though I don't know if she ever regretted this I sure do)). I want to meet her but I am afraid to ruin her life she lives now. I know this is a fear that may not be rational on my part but take a step in my shoes. She hasn't seen me since I was a baby why would she want to now. Yet, this doesn't matter my parents (at least from what I have seen when I bring up my birth parents) don't seem like they like the idea of me contacting her. If I did contact her I would do it not only to meet her but find out more medical history and history about the family. I don't know why I let myself let my parents fear make me not want to contact her I just don't want to make them mad or disappointed I guess. I guess every adopted child thinks this way but I know for sure I could use a change. I have been laughing at the proposition from my parents to move back to Farmington NM when I am out of school to work for a while. I personally don't think it a good idea to move back here when I have so many problems as it is with them I guess an opinion from someone else would be good on what I should do but I understand it would be a good idea. Get some money before I move out on my own but I don't know if I could deal with my parents on a day to day basis. O well I have a year and a summer to think about that but mean while some prayers would be nice. Thanks to all the comments from my friends they make me feel better!!!! well I am signing off