Dear X lyrics (fav song at the moment explains my life well)

DEAR X BY DISCIPLE



Dear pain, oh, it's been a long time
Remember when you were holding me tight
I would stay awake with you all night
Dear shame, I was safe in your arms
You were there when it all fell apart
I would get so lost in your beautiful lies
I let you go
But you're still chasing

Go ahead
You're never gonna take me
You can bend
But you're never gonna break me
I was yours
I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Dear hate, I know you're not far
You would wait at the door of my heart
I was amazed at the passion in your cries
Dear anger, you made me so high
You were faithful to show up on time
Such a flame that was burning in your eyes
I let you go
But you're still chasing

Go ahead
You're never gonna take me
You can bend
But you're never gonna break me
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead
Put a target on my forehead
You can fire
But you've got no bullet
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

You tempted me to look back
But everything that we had together was a lie

Go ahead
You're never gonna take me
You can bend
But you're never gonna break me
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead
Put a target on my forehead
You can fire
But you've got no bullet
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead
Put a target on my forehead
You can fire
But you've got no bullet
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

upset o well

I had a hard day yesterday and I am upset my parents took things the way they did if you want to know what happened email or call me but I have to go back to class

pray for me and the fam

OK JOY HERE IS MY BOOK HAVE FUN READING AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK

Chapter 1

Kristen (Kris for short) sat watching her horse Jasper run through the pasture on a beautiful Montana morning. She had just rescued him from a slaughter house auction not a month ago and it had taken only a few weeks for him to start bonding with her and listen to her commands. The autumn wind blew through his mane and tail as he ran like a wild horse on the plains. Kris herself had come from a difficult home and if it wasn’t for her foster mom, Annie, she might never have gotten to know Jasper and the better life she lived now. “It would be a perfect time for me to see if Jasper would let me ride him,” Kris thought “Jasper come.” She grabbed the halter and lead rope as Jasper came running towards her. He halted right before he ran into the gait and she let herself into the pasture. She put the halter on him and led him down to the barn to grab his tack. After, Kris decided it would be a good idea to tack Jasper up in a pen rather than in a barn so she had more space just in case that Jasper decided to fight the tacking process. She took him down to the training arena and ground tied him. Jasper eyed the tack and let out a nervous snort. Kris picked up the bridal and Jasper went crazy he took off to the other side of the ring and stood there daring Kris to come closer to him with the bridal. Kris made a mental note to try and track down Jasper’s record of owners due to the possibility that he might have been abused and that is why he hated being tacked up.

Kris decided she should join up with Jasper maybe then he would decide to trust her with the tack. Kris walked up to Jasper and unhooked the lead rope and then walked to the middle of the pen. She sent him around the pen with a flick of his lead rope. After a few laps he gave her the sign she had been looking for he started opening and closing his mouth as if he were chewing. She turned her back and waited. Jasper halted and met her in the center and put his nose on her back. Kris walked off and as if he had a lead rope on him he followed her. She turned around and patted him on the nose and then clipped the lead on and led him to the fence. She ground tied him once again and picked up Jasper’s bridal. This time Jasper didn’t take off running at mere sight of the bridal but he still looked at it nervously. Kris approached him cautiously and raised the bridal to his mouth. “He took it!” she thought excitedly as Jasper let the bit slide between his teeth and over his tongue. Next, Kris tried the saddle and Jasper just stood there like an old pro. After putting on Jaspers tack she sent him around the pen one more time. After his lap she brought Jasper to the center and double checked his saddle to make sure it was tight and then mounted him. She pushed him into a walk and after another lap pushed him through the rest of the gaits. After she cantered for a little while she brought him to a halt. She dismounted and then walked Jasper through the gait. “I think I will take him on the trails for a while” Kris thought. As Jasper left the gait, he started prancing letting Kris know he was rearing to go. That is a good sign Kris thought I can’t wait to see how he does on the trails. As she mounted Jasper suddenly sidestepped violently. Kris’s slipped her foot out of the stirrup and grabbed the reins to secure Jasper from running off. Looking around for what might have spooked him, Kris noticed that her mom had just come out of the house with a white shopping bag. Jasper must not like bags as well Kris thought, sure enough when her mom started coming toward them Japer reared and started to dance violently. It took all of Kris’s strength to not let go of him as he reared and sidestepped to avoid the oncoming bag. Kris hurriedly half dragged Jasper through the open gate and let him go. Before he could bolt through the gate she closed and latched it. “What happened? Are you okay? Kris I have never ever seen him act like that before! Why do think that happened?” “Mom Mom one question at a time!!!!” Kris was in the midst of trying to catch her breath. “I am okay just out of breath. I believe that the bag set him off but I am not sure he just went crazy! Can I see that sack I want to try something!” “Here you go”. Kris took the bag and entered the pen Jasper was nervously eyeing the sack from the other side of the arena. As Kris tried to get closer Jasper took off around the ring. Kris turned around and hid the sack under her shirt. As she turned around Jasper looked at her confused he couldn’t understand why the bag had disappeared. Cautiously, he came toward her and sniffed her hand. As she pulled the bag back out of her shirt he went wild and set off to the other end of the pen. “Mom, we really need to track down a history on him I think he has been abused and I will need to do a lot with him before he is ready to go to a home if we decide not to keep him!!!” “I will see what I can do hun!! I will start at the slaughter house and work my way from there it might take a while but you can test him with certain things around the barn!!! Now that we know that he hates sacks we can start working with him on that and go from there!”

After Jasper had calmed down, Kris decided to try again taking him out on the trails. She got him out of the gate and ran him down the first trail towards the river. Once at the river Kris allowed Jasper to get a drink as she dismounted she didn’t want to try to take Jasper through the water on his back just in case he panicked and she needed to calm him down. After they got through the river, much to Kris’s surprise with no problems, she mounted again and then turned Jasper towards the hill that overlooked her house. They ran up the hill and halted at the top.

Kris loved this view, her house down in the valley and the beautiful snow capped mountains in the background. She decided to dismount Jasper and enjoy the scenery. Looking at her watch she noticed that she might be late to dinner and with a sigh she decided she would enjoy the scenery a little longer before heading home. Annie never minded her being a little late for dinner unlike her birthmother would have. Kris had come a long way since she was taken by the state because her mom and dad were inadequate to take care of her. It had been her mom that had beaten her before both parents were taken but had her dad been home Kris knew he would have helped in the abuse she received from her mom. Kris vividly remembered the days leading up to when her mom and dad were arrested and she was put into the foster care system. She had come home, always hoping that she had beaten her mom home. She would sneak a snack (her mom never allowed snacks it was 3 meals a day and nothing else) and then go to her room locking the door to do her homework as fast as she could. Once her mom came home it was a good idea to vacate the premises. Her mom had no problem, especially when she was drunk or had a bad day, finding something to hit and beat Kris about if one thing was out of order.

Three days before Kris was taken by the state, she had come home just like usual and done what homework she could do in such a short amount of time before her mom got home. She had decided to skip a snack because she had a big lunch. Finishing her calculus homework, she heard the door open, “Damn she is early,” Kris thought, “I hope she had a good day and that she isn’t drunk.” Man was she wrong!!! “KRIS GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!” Kris ran down the stairs hoping that she would receive a slap or something that wouldn’t leave a bruise that she would have to explain later.

As Kris rounded the corner her mom grabbed her by the sleeve of her shirt and pushed her into the wall. Shooting pain shot down her spine as she hit the corner of the wall. After her mom had pushed her into the wall she let go and Kris sunk to the floor not being able to move. She was hurt and wished she hadn’t come downstairs. Before she could fully recover enough to stand her mom threw a kick that landed straight into her ribs. After being beaten for what seemed like a long time, Kris wobbled back to her room and cried her eyes out. Her mom hadn’t been drunk this time she probably was taking her frustration from work out on her. How was she going to explain this at school the next day? She was bruised everywhere except her upper arms, face, and lower legs.

She failed miserably at finding an excuse to tell her teacher why she was in pain. She was sent to the nurse’s office and after the nurse took one look at the bruises and stepped out of the room. The next thing Kris knew time had stopped and the police were there, dragging her down to the station, and all the while asking her to confess to the abuse that her mom and dad had been giving her. When she couldn’t take the questioning anymore she broke down and told them what was happening at her house. It had all gone so quickly from one day being worried what was going to happen to the next being at a place she didn’t have to worry. The one question Kris couldn’t get out of her mind was, “How long will my happiness and being in this good home last?”

After an hour of enjoying the scenery and thinking about her past, Kris was ready to go home. She checked Jasper’s saddle and then mounted. She rode him back to the barn with no problems, which was a good thing because she really was in a daze and not paying attention to what Jasper was doing. When she got back she noticed her Annie walking towards her. “How was your ride? Did he do okay?” “Yes, He did fine and the ride went smoothly. Did you call the slaughter house?” “Yes Kris, I did, they don’t have a record for him but said that they got him from an auction and gave me the auctioneer’s name so I will call him in the morning. It is time for dinner so cool him down and come on in and eat.” “Okay mom.” Kris wasn’t too hungry her appetite was nonexistent due to remembering her past which had made her sick to her stomach. Why had her mom and her dad treated her that way? What had she done to deserve a mother and father that abused her so much?

If people thought her mom was crazy, they would think her dad was a different kind of crazy. Thinking of her dad made Kris shutter just as much as thinking about her mom did. What he had done to her had made her afraid of older men probably for the rest of her life. When Kris was young and didn’t understand that what her dad was doing was wrong, her dad made excuses and told Kris that where he was touching and playing with her was what every dad did to their daughters to make their relationships stronger with each other. When Kris had entered into middle school she learned that what her dad had been doing had been wrong and she confronted him about it. That confrontation started the raping and more violent sexual abuse that Kris had experienced in the following years up until her dad was arrested. She had told friends what her mom had done to her but she had never confessed, until the confession to the police, what her dad had done to her. It was the fear of being judged as a whore that made her never confess to what her dad did to her.

Kris couldn’t express how happy she was to have Anne as a foster mom. It was so good to be out of the house she grew up in and away from her abusive mother and father that had hurt her for so long ago. In so many ways she understood what was going through Jasper’s mind. How could she trust any adult again? Why should she ever trust an adult again? It had taken her long enough to start trusting Anne and like Jasper the trust was there but only because of being in her home for several months. Now the only thing she was missing in her life was a boyfriend and a father that she could trust. She had longed to have a father to be apart of her life and often wondered why she was never lucky enough to have one that was good to her. After cooling Jasper down Kris went into eat and then after getting the chores and homework she had done for the night she settled in for a long nights rest.

Chapter 2

The following days for Kris were filled up with school and working with Jasper. Anne had called the auctioneer but had no response and Kris was wondering if he was intentionally not calling them back for fear of what he had to tell them. On Friday morning, as Kris was getting ready to leave for school, the phone rang and Kris ran to answer it. “Hello?” Kris listened and heard a man on the other end of the line. “Hi my name is Gabe Santiago. I am the Auctioneer at Colby Auction House and got a call that an Anne Montoya called to ask about a horse I sold a few months ago. Is she around? I would like to speak to her” “No sir she is at work but I am her daughter and I am the one working with Jasper… what information can you give me on him?” Kris’s heart skipped a beat while she waited for the man to answer. “What is his number we stamped in his mouth so I can pull up his records?” The auctioneer asked. Kris thumbed through her files and found Jaspers file. “Sir the number is 5P719H8” Kris told Gabe. “Ok my files indicate that this horse was a nationally recognized jumper named Sunny Takes it Home. He was sold to us because the owner was not able to afford to take care of him any longer and couldn’t control his spooky horse. When we got him he was very skinny and he had what looked like whip marks on his flanks. A Marty Nolan, one of our frequent buyers was the only bid on Sunny.” “Do you have any information on the owner that gave him up? Specifically a number I can reach him at I really need to get more information.” Gabe hesitated, “I am technically not supposed to be giving the number out but if you will let me know what he says I will be willing to give you the number. I agree the abusing a horse is not a good thing…ok his number is 406-523-6798.” Kris looked at her watch “damn," she thought "I am late… Gabe I have to go I am late for school thanks again and I will keep you updated…Thanks so much.” After hanging up with Gabe she ran to the bus that just pulled up and headed off to school.

After the school bell rang, Kris ran to the bus. It had been hard to get through the day knowing that she was in reach of understanding why Jasper was the way he was. She also couldn’t wait to tell Anne what she had learned from the auctioneer. When she got home she ran inside. Anne was sitting in the kitchen talking on the phone so Kris ran upstairs to change into her barn cloths. When she came down Anne was off the phone so Kris sat down to talk to her. “The auctioneer called this morning before school,” Kris was so pumped that she couldn’t sit down. “Oh he did what did he say?” Kris continued telling everything that the auctioneer had told her and even that he had given her a phone number to call. “Kris we will call tomorrow ok I want to be here when you do because I want to be able to talk to him as well.” “Ok Anne, will do, I am headed out to the barn to work with Jasper some more.” With that Kris headed out the door and headed to the barn.

The following day Kris and Anne sat down to call Jaspers owner. “Hello, Jesse speaking how may I help you?” “Hi my name is Anne Montoya and my daughter Kris Montoya is on the line as well we have some questions for you about your former horse Sunny Takes it Home.” “Um… how did you get my number? Was it that lousy auctioneer? He isn’t supposed to give out my number!” Kris was stunned at how mad the guy was. “Sir we just need to know the history he is so frightened at everything and is a liability waiting to happen if you could just tell us what he was like before you gave him for auction that would be a big help.” Jesse seemed to calm down a little, “Well he was a great jumper he won me a lot of ribbons but then he became too high stung and finicky and I couldn’t train him out of it.” Kris was confused, “Just like that? Did he have an accident or anything? What made him like that? It is very unusual for a horse to become that way out of the blue.” Jesse hesitated, “Yes ma’am we went to the nationals and at that competition he spooked before going over the last wall jump…he had never done that before… we crashed over the wall I broke my collar bone and he pulled most of the tendons in his front right leg. He was never the same after that. After he healed he was never the same horse and I just couldn’t ride him anymore.” Kris and Anne looked at each other, “What spooked him do you know?” Jesse started to get mad again he didn’t like to play 20 questions, “I have no damn idea ok I have to go I hope you can figure Sunny out because I don’t think he is worth anything but horse meat and glue! Have fun with him and don’t hold me responsible for him hurting you if he does!” And with that Jesse hung up without a goodbye. This left Anne and Kris stunned. Anne and Kris hung up the phone. Kris was so mad at Jesse that she wished she could go and hit him in the head at how much Jasper was upset. She turned to Anne with tears in her eyes. “Anne I don’t think he is telling us everything about him. It was either him or a ranch hand that put fear of different things in his mind… a horse doesn’t just start fearing, for example a white sack, for no reason what so ever.” Kris wished Jesse had given them a lead to what might have happened with Jasper so she could help the horse she had learned to love and care for.

... IDK ...

O school how I wish you were easier lol. Sorry I am tired lol. Anyway I have my first test on Thursday this week and then two more tests next week. Why do teachers do that??? It is like they plan to hit you hard 3 times out of the semester all in the same month lol. Don't they understand that us college students have a life other than school?? O well I guess that is what we get for going to school!! :)

Tired....

I am getting tired of my family's attitude!!! Why do they have to act like everything is my fault all the time?? It makes me not want to ever pick up the phone or come home because I don't want to listen to the bull shit all the time (excuse the French)!! I am so ready to get back and Saturday can't come fast enough!!

Lord give me the strength

Lord give me the strength to make it another week here in Farmington NM. I am getting tired of living here with my parents who don't seem to love me and after my scary thoughts I had today I need your strength more then ever now. I am giving up my reins to you guide me to do your will and not have the thoughts the devil gave me today. My life is not so bad that I am better off with you and I know that so let only your love and thoughts you wish me to have fill my mind and cast the devil out of my life. It is so hard for me to feel like I am loved in this world and just when I find that I am enjoying my life things like what happened tonight pull me right back to where I have been living my life for years. So please lord give me the strength!!!

Love your daughter
Larissa

Thoughts...

Got in another, of many this summer, fight with the rents. Yet, as I sit here thinking of the fights and writing I can't help having a thought about what would my life have been like if I lived with my birth parents. I know some measly fights shouldn't make me think about this but it is hard not too. I am tired of the fighting and wish my life was different even if it meant a life of not being where I am now. I know little about my birth parents.... ok well I know none about my dad but I know a little about my mom....but what I do know makes me understand it would have been a hard life. My mom was 16 when she had me and signed a closed adoption form (meaning she couldn't visit me (though I don't know if she ever regretted this I sure do)). I want to meet her but I am afraid to ruin her life she lives now. I know this is a fear that may not be rational on my part but take a step in my shoes. She hasn't seen me since I was a baby why would she want to now. Yet, this doesn't matter my parents (at least from what I have seen when I bring up my birth parents) don't seem like they like the idea of me contacting her. If I did contact her I would do it not only to meet her but find out more medical history and history about the family. I don't know why I let myself let my parents fear make me not want to contact her I just don't want to make them mad or disappointed I guess. I guess every adopted child thinks this way but I know for sure I could use a change. I have been laughing at the proposition from my parents to move back to Farmington NM when I am out of school to work for a while. I personally don't think it a good idea to move back here when I have so many problems as it is with them I guess an opinion from someone else would be good on what I should do but I understand it would be a good idea. Get some money before I move out on my own but I don't know if I could deal with my parents on a day to day basis. O well I have a year and a summer to think about that but mean while some prayers would be nice. Thanks to all the comments from my friends they make me feel better!!!! well I am signing off